Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Thirty Things + 1

My blogging friend John @ Going Gently (the link keeps reverting to the entire URL...I don't have time to fix it now) http://disasterfilm.blogspot.com/2011/09/30-things-to-do-before-you-die.html wrote up a list of 30 things he wanted to do before he died.

I thought I'd make up my own list of 30 things. It was kind of a challenge really, as there are some things I clearly want to do...some things that aren't obvious to me that I really want to do...and some things I know I'll never get to do in a million years, but still haven't stopped wanting to do.

They're in no particular order.

1. Learn how to ride a motorcycle.

I'm not really a Harley sort of girl. I want a zippy crotch-rocket number.

Chuck thinks people on them look silly. I think they look sexy.

Maybe he's just jealous because every time I see a fit-looking dude race by on one, I want to take the guy home and ride his crotch-rocket. *wink wink, nudge nudge, knowwhatImeanknowwhatImean?*

2. Check out what's under Jack White's kilt.

I don't think Chuckles would mind. He could even be there in the room, talking with Jack whilst I'm peeking.

"So...um...what do you wear under your kilt, Jack?"

"Your wife's lipstick."

3. Force myself through some long, boring, doorstop-of-a-tome classic.

Just to say I did, instead of pretending I've done so. Just to sound smarter. It's a toss-up between 'Anna Karenina' and 'War and Peace'.

I think Anna wins by a corset.

4. Do an extensive tour of England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales.

There's really nothing funny to say about it, it's been a dream.

Chuck and I would love to meet some of our good friends that we've met online, and a lot of them live in those four places.

We'd especially like to visit County Kerry in Ireland, because that's where Chuck's grandparents were from, and some of his extended family still live.

5. Grow big enough balls to get up in front of an audience and do a stand-up comedy act.

And not suck at it.

6. Reach 100 Followers on Blogger.

Seriously. It took me two years to get up to 98. What does a girl have to do?

Some of you people attract Followers faster than Sun Myung Moon.

7. Play the guitar and sing at the same time.

It really chaps my ass that I can't do it. It's like trying to feed a baby and swordfight at the same time.

I'm envious of anyone that can do it.

Oh look, here's Jack White again, what a coincedence...

8. Own a historical home and restore it.

I keep telling Chuck I want to move back to a real city, but if I could own a beautiful old house in a small town, I'd forget all about the damn city.

Being a drywall guy, he looks at a 100 year old house and sees a can of worms waiting to be opened. Being an artist, I see potential and can ignore the worms.

9. Get over my fear of phones.

So many more doors would open up in my life if I wasn't so afraid to talk on the fucking phone.

I don't understand why this is! Every time the phone rings at work, I look at it like one would look at a hissing cobra about to strike. I answer it because it's part of my job, but I give myself another ulcer each time I have to do it.

Phones eat my balls.

10. Do an entire Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle.

Without cheating.

In ink.

11. Go on the 'Antiques Roadshow' and find out that my coffee table is worth $50,000.

I don't even care about the money. I just want to make this face on TV.

12. Hold a koala.

And not have it claw my face off. They can be quite vicious. Koalas have large talons.

"Don't touch my ears, bitch! *swipe*"

13. Be in the profession that I got my degree for, which is Forensic Anthropology.

I loved it. My favourite class at university was Osteology. I felt a thrill in differentiating between a male and female cranium, or being able to tell show you the difference between a 3rd and 4th metacarpal.

They used to call me 'The Bone Expert'.

14. Magically be able to do math.

Because no matter how hard I try, I suck at it.

Suck this, Danica.

15. Be Chuck's sugarmama.

So he can relax and stop killing himself with drywall work. Get him that shoulder surgery he's always wanted.

16. Go streaking like Will Ferrell in 'Old School'.

Or go streaking with Will Ferrell!

17. Learn how to tie a man's tie.

I've watched men do it, and still can't figure it out.

I'm pretty sure there's witchcraft involved.

18. Take Anthony Bourdain on a food tour of Canada on 'No Reservations'.

I love Anthony. That guy has the best job in the entire world. And I want to sit on his face.

Oh hello there, Mr Bourdain. Mighty fine cock you've got there.

19. Learn how to shoot a gun.

How American is that?

20. Write a book.

I know that everyone says that, but I think I really have one in me somewhere. Something David Sedaris-esque.

It'll be chock-full of awesome.

21. Live long enough to see Jimmy Page's next musical project come out.

Come on Jimmy. I won't live forever you know. Maybe you and Chuckles can collaborate if you have no other ventures in the works.

Pic 'taken' by my friend Pilot

22. Buy a crappy old motorboat.

I'd call it 'Nacht-A-Yacht' and ride up and down the Intracoastal Waterway singing 'I'm on a BOAT! I'm on a MUTHAFUCKIN' BOAT!' at the top of my lungs.

T-Pain can come along if he wants. Swansboro won't know what hit it.

23. Be traffic-stoppingly gorgeous just for one day. Just to know what it's like.

I'm not talkin' cute. I'm not talkin' pretty.

I'm talking "Wow, that guy just crashed his Ferrari into a mailbox because he couldn't take his eyes off that chick" kind of hot.

Just one day. That's all.

24. See a championship game in all of the sports I love.

A Stanley Cup Final, an All-Ireland Gaelic Football match, and a center court match at Wimbledon.

Don't even care who the teams/players are, I'm not that picky.

But if it could be another moment like this for Edmonton, I wouldn't complain.

25. Bake a decent fucking pie from scratch.

Seriously. How hard is it to bake a pie? I can bake anything else. Why not a freaking pie?

Pumpkin pie is my baking nemesis. The last time I tried to make one, I had to throw it out three times.

You will not defeat me, Pie!!

26. Eat at a criminally expensive restaurant.

The kind of restaurant where the waiters are snooty and the serving portions are miniscule and the trophy-like female guests are dripping with diamonds and haughtiness.

And I wouldn't have to look at the bill before paying it.

27. Restore an old muscle car.

I want to drive something fun again.

Right now I'm the owner of a 16 year old Toyota, with only three hubcaps and more oil leaks than the Exxon Valdez.

Anyway, I was thinking something like this?

Ooh, yeah.

28. Learn how to sew.

Shouldn't this just be innate? Doesn't the ability to sew just come along with having a vagina?

I can sew a button on like a mofo, but anything else...I can't even hem a pair of pants.

I'd give my proverbial left nut to be able to make a pair of non-fugly curtains. I can't find any I like in the stores.

29. Visit Massachussetts in the autumn.

I've always wanted to see the famous fall colours up there.

Plus I've always wanted to visit the Harvard campus for some reason. I'd totally buy a t-shirt and pretend I went there.

30. Wear a strapless dress.

...and not have all my girly junk indecently trying to spill out the top.

Must be nice to be able to leave the house without major d├ęcolletage-scaffolding.

31. Get rich, bitch!

How else am I gonna be able to afford thirty dreams?

I bet an hour with Jack White is probably pretty expensive...


Liz said...

Hi Kyna,

A girl after my own heart... Jack White, so incredibly pissed that the one time I was able to go see them in concert, they go and cancel and never fecking tour again because meg 'has stage fright' uh huh, yeah. ok.


I actually wanna cry that I never got to see them.

Also, I feel for you re: breast scaffolding. I bought a minimiser bra the other day because the dress I bought for a wedding at the weekend is actually rather low and I feel a bit slutty (but it's from a totally non-slutty shop so it came as a shock). I also decided to get a camisole that would help hold things in place and give a nice sleek line down my body.
However, now I just look like a fat bird with no tits.


Turling said...

Holy christ, with you on the telephone. Hate those things.

And the muscle car is a definite must have. For me, '62 Thunderbird, although not truely a muscle car, it would be when I'm done with it.

biobabbler said...

Nice. =) Awesome list.

I am SO THERE re: the phones. It's been, oh, since I was, what, 14?!?



I was JUST thinking about it yesterday. All I'm doing is talking to a person. Frequently, it's to talk to a person I know and like.

But because of the medium, I'll do everything in my power to avoid it.

Only time I wanna answer it is if it's my husband.

And the gun thing? Was taught on one day (got to try several out), but just learned I will inherit a shotgun, so I can REALLY be a Sierra Nevada hayseed, shot gun and all. AND I just bought a bow & arrow (oops, I mean ARCHERY) set, so I wanna learn that, too. =)

And take more mixed martial arts fitness, 'cause kicking those big bags?!? SO cathartic! =) And it's fun (and for me rare) to feel tough.

Good luck w/ your list. =)

Monique said...

1. I've read both Anna Karenina and War&Peace. Go with Anna; W&P gets all Russian-bourgeois in the middle.

2. My new house is 66 years old. You are welcome to check it out anytime :) Plus there's drywall stuff Chuck can play with if so inclined.

3.David Sedaris is a fucking genius.

4. The kids in Mexico last Feb. sang I'm On a Boat the whole trip. I laughed so much I didn't even call them out on it.

5. Don't worry about not being able to hem pants. I use double-sided tape on most pairs, and the good pairs I get tailored. And I own a sewing machine!

Rohrerbot said...

LOL!!! I love your writing. You are really funny. Okay....not so crazy about the car and motorcycle thing. However fixing up an old house, touring English and Britain in general!!!.....and baking a pie. The pie crust is the trickiest! I've done it a couple times, but it was years ago. My latest attempt burned the crust!!! As for your fear of phones...well I still don't own a cell phone and hate talking on the phone. When my office phone rings or if it's at home, I usually jump, then groan, and many times let the answering machine pick up the call. Unless it's family...and they know I'm on the other end and won't hang up until I pick up the damn phone! Great list!!

Jessie McKitrick said...

I feel the same way about phones. I don't know why either.

Remind me to send you my Dutch Apple Tart recipe. I suck at standard pie crusts (the husband is in charge of those), but I find that sweet pastry is a little more forgiving of my pie incompetence, and comes out great anyway.

Marguerite said...

So many great things on this list. I second learning to sew (I actually failed sewing class in junior high) so there's probably no hope for me there.

Chad B said...

Kyna - First off, congratulations on reaching 100 followers! You can cross that off the list now. Second, screw Anna Karenina. It's boring. War & Peace is probably boring too. If you are going to read a Russian novel, try Brothers Karamazov. It's guaranteed to increase your Jeopardy score. Plus, it sounds extra cool when you say "Sure, I read the Brothers Karamazov. Hasn't everyone?"

Tatiana said...

Love, love love your list. And Screw Anna Karenina AND War and Peace. Wanna read a brilliant Russian book? Read Master and Margarita. Wanna read a classic? Try Don Quixote or something. I've read many classics and hated most of them. Otherwise I'm with you on some of them - from gorgeous for a day, to criminally expensive restaurant, to.. winning the lottery? Bring it.

Elephant's Eye said...

100 followers? You've done that!

And I am slightly green, you have 4 times as many daily visitors as I do. Which I read in a thoughtful comment you left somewhere on a blog we both read. Miss your book shop posts, sad they said they had to die.