Thirty Things + 1

My blogging friend John @ Going Gently (the link keeps reverting to the entire URL...I don't have time to fix it now) http://disasterfilm.blogspot.com/2011/09/30-things-to-do-before-you-die.html wrote up a list of 30 things he wanted to do before he died.

I thought I'd make up my own list of 30 things. It was kind of a challenge really, as there are some things I clearly want to do...some things that aren't obvious to me that I really want to do...and some things I know I'll never get to do in a million years, but still haven't stopped wanting to do.

They're in no particular order.

1. Learn how to ride a motorcycle.

I'm not really a Harley sort of girl. I want a zippy crotch-rocket number.

Chuck thinks people on them look silly. I think they look sexy.

Maybe he's just jealous because every time I see a fit-looking dude race by on one, I want to take the guy home and ride his crotch-rocket. *wink wink, nudge nudge, knowwhatImeanknowwhatImean?*




2. Check out what's under Jack White's kilt.

I don't think Chuckles would mind. He could even be there in the room, talking with Jack whilst I'm peeking.

"So...um...what do you wear under your kilt, Jack?"

"Your wife's lipstick."




3. Force myself through some long, boring, doorstop-of-a-tome classic.

Just to say I did, instead of pretending I've done so. Just to sound smarter. It's a toss-up between 'Anna Karenina' and 'War and Peace'.

I think Anna wins by a corset.




4. Do an extensive tour of England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales.

There's really nothing funny to say about it, it's been a dream.

Chuck and I would love to meet some of our good friends that we've met online, and a lot of them live in those four places.

We'd especially like to visit County Kerry in Ireland, because that's where Chuck's grandparents were from, and some of his extended family still live.




5. Grow big enough balls to get up in front of an audience and do a stand-up comedy act.

And not suck at it.



6. Reach 100 Followers on Blogger.

Seriously. It took me two years to get up to 98. What does a girl have to do?

Some of you people attract Followers faster than Sun Myung Moon.



7. Play the guitar and sing at the same time.

It really chaps my ass that I can't do it. It's like trying to feed a baby and swordfight at the same time.

I'm envious of anyone that can do it.

Oh look, here's Jack White again, what a coincedence...




8. Own a historical home and restore it.

I keep telling Chuck I want to move back to a real city, but if I could own a beautiful old house in a small town, I'd forget all about the damn city.

Being a drywall guy, he looks at a 100 year old house and sees a can of worms waiting to be opened. Being an artist, I see potential and can ignore the worms.



9. Get over my fear of phones.

So many more doors would open up in my life if I wasn't so afraid to talk on the fucking phone.

I don't understand why this is! Every time the phone rings at work, I look at it like one would look at a hissing cobra about to strike. I answer it because it's part of my job, but I give myself another ulcer each time I have to do it.

Phones eat my balls.



10. Do an entire Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle.

Without cheating.

In ink.



11. Go on the 'Antiques Roadshow' and find out that my coffee table is worth $50,000.

I don't even care about the money. I just want to make this face on TV.



12. Hold a koala.

And not have it claw my face off. They can be quite vicious. Koalas have large talons.

"Don't touch my ears, bitch! *swipe*"


13. Be in the profession that I got my degree for, which is Forensic Anthropology.

I loved it. My favourite class at university was Osteology. I felt a thrill in differentiating between a male and female cranium, or being able to tell show you the difference between a 3rd and 4th metacarpal.

They used to call me 'The Bone Expert'.



14. Magically be able to do math.

Because no matter how hard I try, I suck at it.

Suck this, Danica.



15. Be Chuck's sugarmama.

So he can relax and stop killing himself with drywall work. Get him that shoulder surgery he's always wanted.



16. Go streaking like Will Ferrell in 'Old School'.

Or go streaking with Will Ferrell!




17. Learn how to tie a man's tie.

I've watched men do it, and still can't figure it out.

I'm pretty sure there's witchcraft involved.



18. Take Anthony Bourdain on a food tour of Canada on 'No Reservations'.

I love Anthony. That guy has the best job in the entire world. And I want to sit on his face.

Oh hello there, Mr Bourdain. Mighty fine cock you've got there.



19. Learn how to shoot a gun.

How American is that?



20. Write a book.

I know that everyone says that, but I think I really have one in me somewhere. Something David Sedaris-esque.

It'll be chock-full of awesome.



21. Live long enough to see Jimmy Page's next musical project come out.

Come on Jimmy. I won't live forever you know. Maybe you and Chuckles can collaborate if you have no other ventures in the works.

Pic 'taken' by my friend Pilot

22. Buy a crappy old motorboat.


I'd call it 'Nacht-A-Yacht' and ride up and down the Intracoastal Waterway singing 'I'm on a BOAT! I'm on a MUTHAFUCKIN' BOAT!' at the top of my lungs.

T-Pain can come along if he wants. Swansboro won't know what hit it.



23. Be traffic-stoppingly gorgeous just for one day. Just to know what it's like.

I'm not talkin' cute. I'm not talkin' pretty.

I'm talking "Wow, that guy just crashed his Ferrari into a mailbox because he couldn't take his eyes off that chick" kind of hot.

Just one day. That's all.

24. See a championship game in all of the sports I love.

A Stanley Cup Final, an All-Ireland Gaelic Football match, and a center court match at Wimbledon.

Don't even care who the teams/players are, I'm not that picky.

But if it could be another moment like this for Edmonton, I wouldn't complain.

25. Bake a decent fucking pie from scratch.


Seriously. How hard is it to bake a pie? I can bake anything else. Why not a freaking pie?

Pumpkin pie is my baking nemesis. The last time I tried to make one, I had to throw it out three times.

You will not defeat me, Pie!!

26. Eat at a criminally expensive restaurant.


The kind of restaurant where the waiters are snooty and the serving portions are miniscule and the trophy-like female guests are dripping with diamonds and haughtiness.

And I wouldn't have to look at the bill before paying it.

27. Restore an old muscle car.


I want to drive something fun again.

Right now I'm the owner of a 16 year old Toyota, with only three hubcaps and more oil leaks than the Exxon Valdez.

Anyway, I was thinking something like this?

Ooh, yeah.

28. Learn how to sew.


Shouldn't this just be innate? Doesn't the ability to sew just come along with having a vagina?

I can sew a button on like a mofo, but anything else...I can't even hem a pair of pants.

I'd give my proverbial left nut to be able to make a pair of non-fugly curtains. I can't find any I like in the stores.

29. Visit Massachussetts in the autumn.


I've always wanted to see the famous fall colours up there.

Plus I've always wanted to visit the Harvard campus for some reason. I'd totally buy a t-shirt and pretend I went there.

30. Wear a strapless dress.

...and not have all my girly junk indecently trying to spill out the top.

Must be nice to be able to leave the house without major décolletage-scaffolding.

31. Get rich, bitch!


How else am I gonna be able to afford thirty dreams?

I bet an hour with Jack White is probably pretty expensive...

Crazy, Sexy, Funny

Last Sunday it was really nasty outside, which of course meant it was my day off. Karma gets me like that.

I should have done something constructive with my time. I could have cleaned the house, for example. Or maybe read some fine literature. I could have brushed up on my guitar playing...or learned a new language.

What did I do all day?

Spent it on CrackTube.

I found this Brit-com called 'Black Books'.



Dylan Moran plays a small bookshop owner named Bernard Black. Bernard is a crazy Irishman...smokes too much, drinks too much, is very high-maintenance and has to be taken care of by his much put-upon employee Manny and his best friend Fran.



Hilarious show. Had tears streaming out of my eyes. I sat at my computer all day and watched all 3 seasons, each episode posted in three parts.

All. Day.

Best spent rainy day I've had in a long time. I've been forcing clips on my Facebook friends all week since.

Maybe it's really not that funny. Maybe I find it so funny because I work in a bookshop. The same shit happens to bookshop workers all over the world.

I wish Bernard was my boss.




Maybe I like the show so much because I'm now in love with Dylan Moran. Which brings me to my next thought: Why is 'funny' so sexy to me?

Take any ordinary man. He doesn't have to have traffic-stopping good looks. In fact, a lot of people might not find him good looking at all.

But if he's funny? My panties start trying to escape down my legs.

The sillier the better. A man that isn't afraid to look silly on purpose in front of people is a confident man. And not only that, but a funny man is usually a smart man. Stupid men can be funny, but it's usually by accident and you can tell the difference. They're funny in the way that small children and pets are funny. It's not sexy.

Normal women are attracted to nice bodies...riches...expensive cars...refined manners...aren't they? Not me. Why am I missing this particular chip in my brain?

Funny is sexy as hell. Throw in an Irish/Scottish/English accent? Panties are in full on disintegration mode.

Examples:

Anthony Bourdain. Not only is he funny, but he can also cook. Makes up for the lack of foreign accent. Boneus!



Daniel Tosh. I'm gonna marry him someday (Don't worry Chuckles. It'll be after you're dead.)



Most of the Pythons. Except Graham Chapman. Even though he was brilliant, 'funny' didn't make him more attractive. He's dead, so I'm sure he won't mind me saying so.

I have a particular attraction to Michael Palin. I think most of the men I find attractive have been in a dress at some point. Or...garters.



Craig Ferguson. A kilt is way sexier than a dress. Even sexier than being naked whilst holding a big meaty bone in front of your genitals. And he's wearing a hot guitar and a furry sporran. My panties are completely non-existant now.



Denis Leary. His nose is kind of all over his face and his teeth are weird, but hot nonetheless because he's hilarious. No foreign accent, but he is of Irish descent so that scores points. And he's also been spotted in a dress. I think he lost a bet.



Now Dylan Moran has joined the ranks of Funny Panty Melters.

Something is truly wrong with me that I find this attractive.



I think that's why I love Chuckles so much. He's funny as hell. Slightly different sense of humour than I have, so I have a hard time making him laugh. I take it as a challenge to get him to do so. REALLY laugh.

He has two different laughs. One of them is a generic laugh. Of course it's technically 'real', but sort of an all-purpose guffaw.

His real laugh comes from somewhere deeper. Balls deep. It's devilish. Bawdy. More like a long cough than a laugh. His brother and his best friend bring that one out in him a lot more often than I can. Drives me batshit.

You wanna know why? Because he can make me laugh my ass off with little effort. Sometimes I almost don't want to laugh, because it means that he wins!

Did I mention we're also very competitive?

One of the clips I posted on FB this week was this one. You'll have to watch it to the end or you won't know what I'm on about. It's short-ish.



Chuck's been giving himself 'Irish hair' all week at random times. I've laughed so hard over it. The only people I used to hang around with were Irish (because I played Gaelic Football, not because I have some weird prejudice towards the non-Irish). Hell, I married Irish.

Mum asked if I had taken any pictures, because she couldn't imagine it. Well, I hadn't. But I came across this one of Chuckles from last year while I was looking for a different picture. He was relaxing at the table after work, no staging. And voilà!

Irish hair lives!!



Chuckles may not be rich, but he's in the Funny Panty Melter Club. I'm sure he's melted hundreds of pairs over his 49 years with his rapier wit and his Irish hair.

What say you, Ladies? And you too, my Gentlemen Friends? Is funny sexy?

All right.

Just one more.

I promise.