Thursday, January 12, 2012

Where Can I Find a Free Baby on Short Notice?

First day of a twelve day vacation.


I don't know what to do first!

Ok, naked cartwheels, but what about after that??

Twelve whole, wonderful, sweet days off. Twelve days that I know will go all too quickly.

January might seem an odd time for anyone to go on vacation, but for me it's the most wonderful time of the year.

I started working for my company 4 years ago in February, and I have to take my vacation time before the end of January every year. The company is actually very generous with sick time, vacation and personal days allowed, but they don't roll over into the new year worked if you miss them.

I used some for my 30th birthday extravaganza last year, but still had quite a bit left over.

Also, almost two weeks off after the Christmas rush is over? My shattered feet are singing my praises right now.

If you put your ear to my heels, you can hear tiny hallelujahs. Like shells at the beach. But weirder.

(PS: Never type 'sore feet' into Google images, you'll get 'feet with sores'. Bleurgh.)

The other nice thing about my vacation is that Chuckles is finally back to work.

Sounds mean, but it isn't. Ok, maybe a little. He was involuntarily off for two and a half weeks until a couple of days ago. It always seems to be tough for drywallers around Christmas (Chuckles and I have had 8 Christmases together), no one is building much of anything for a few weeks.

But some houses are finally ready for Sheetrock. Finally. Thank the sweet baby Jesus in the manger.

I swear, Chuckles is never allowed to retire. He was so depressed by not working, it was driving us both batshit.

He was bored, angry, bored, worried about money, and bored. I had to call him Chuck for two weeks instead of Chuckles, because it just wasn't fitting.

But he's back to work now, conveniently on a house being built just down our street. He should be popping back home for lunch any minute now.

And of course, in Kyna-fashion, I'm starting off my vacation sick. I made it through the whole Christmas season at work without getting ill, and now it's finally happened. But at least I don't have to drag my sorry, sick arse into work.

So what to do first???

I think I'm going to allow a day of sitting-on-my-ass-doing-nothing time. Drink some orange juice. Blow my nose. You know. Sexy stuff.

Then maybe...

~Take down Christmas decorations
~Do some writing
~Clean the house
~Do Sherlocky things (The second season finale is next Sunday, and they'd better not kill him off. I'll be PISSED.)
~Go out for a night of live music...a co-worker of mine plays in a band called Valient Thorr (he's the beardless one in this picture) and they're playing at another co-worker's fundraising event this Saturday. They're actually sort of famous in Metal circles...I've heard a few people ask Bennie for his autograph while he's at work in the bookstore...very hilarious. I like to give him shit about it.

-Cook some real meals. Awesome meals. Chuckles bought me an enameled cast-iron dutch oven for Christmas, and I'd like to make a nice gumbo in it.
-Clean out my garden
-Have some more sit-on-my-ass-and-do-nothing days. Just because I can.

Oh, and I should probably make room for exercising.

Last night, the newsstand delivery guy at work asked me when I was 'due'.

I said, 'Nope. Not pregnant. Just fat.'  I think he felt bad, but maybe it's for the best. Men need to learn that they shouldn't congratulate women on their pregnancies unless the woman mentions first that she is currently pregnant, or unless they are watching a baby's head pop out of a woman's vagina.

I envy girls that gain weight in their asses instead of their stomachular areas. Not only is there a male fanclub for that sort of thing, but no one's assfat has ever been mistaken for a pregnant ass.

I joke, but it really hurt. It's not the first time in my life that it's happened, and every time it does, it takes me by surprise. And makes me cry a little. Just a little. I mean, there's just something in my eye, give me a minute...

So, guess who's gonna be scheduling time for the ol' exercise bike?

But not today. I've plan on doing a lot of nothing. If anyone congratulates me on my pregnancy before I start exercising, I'll tell them it's Benedict Cumberbatch's baby. Then I'll end up on the news. And then I'll be infamous. And then when the time comes to produce a Cumberbatchling, I'll have to steal a baby.

So you see? There will be plenty of work for me to do later.

For now?

Whole. Lotta. Fucking. Nothin'.


The Idiot Gardener said...

Hey, you should do something fun with your time off. I don't know, maybe immerse your self in some culture. Forget time, just immerse yourself, take all day, drift. Hey, you know what, you could spend a day just browsing the shelves of a book shop.

Cast iron pot, brown sugar, fish sauce, ground black pepper, stock, radish, pork shoulder, uterus! That's cooking.

If I had 12 days of nothing, I'd spend them catching up with all the shit I'm behind on.

Kyna said...

I don't want to go NEAR a fucking bookshop.

The cooking though...I'm planning some epic meals this week. Kind of sounds like they'll cancel out the exercise. Oh well.

I think it may be sort of difficult to finding uteri for culinary purposes around here. I might have better luck finding a free baby.

Jocelyn said...

I think the only time a man should congratulate a woman on her pregnancy is if she tells him she's pregnant. If he chooses to do it while baby is coming out of the vagina....he's going to get punched. Then arrested for watching a baby come out of a woman's vagina for no reason. Cause that's just fricken creepy.

Liz said...

Hi Kyna,

You know what men are like; they just don't think. Mouth says something before brain has time to react.

A whole lotta nothing sounds excellent to me right now. Fed up of work already.

John Gray said...

having Cumberbatch's love child eh?
watch the cheekbones when it comes down they'll cause you a mischief!

Jim said...

Hi Kyna! I'm 'new' and ready fer ya! lol You write like you are a 'stand up' comedian! That is a good thing. I have a story about when I asked a woman that very question....I never made THAT mistake again!
Now, go and enjoy your your 12 days off!

Kyna said...

John: Easiest way to an episiotomy, I suppose.

Ew. Let's stop talking about vaginas, and get back to penises.

Speaking of penises, I would have ALL his love children. They'd all be ginger, tall, smart, and have great accents and fabulous dress-sense.

Jim: I can't enjoy my vacation without you telling me the story! You can't leave me hangin'!

Kyna said...

Jocelyn: I don't know. I'm sure there are some men out there that like that sort of thing. There's a kink for everything.

Liz: I do indeed know what men are like. I love them, but dude. They just never learn.

Chris said...

Twelve days off! You lucky sod. I know I'd be crawling the walls by the fifth day with cabin fever and end up looking like the sixth member of Valient Thorr - hey maybe that's what happened to them? LOL

I like feminine, curvy women wherever they are curvy - it's all sexy to me booty, booby or baby xx



Kyna said...

So pleased to hear you feel that way. More cushion for the pushin', Mr. Cumberbatch, more cushion for the pushin'.

These here are child-bearing hips made for popping out as many love children as you require, as fast as you can provide them.

I have no problem with being off for twelve days.

That's twelve days of not putting up with ignorant customers asking me "Have you heard of this book that I don't know the author or title or subject of, but it's blue and oh I just remembered it's about that famous English guy, so do you have it?".

Twelve days of being off my feet.

Twelve days of not being yelled at for not having books on the history of maple syrup.

I'm totally going to let my beard run wild.

Alison said...

Hope you have a blast, Kyna, not waiting on ignorant customers. As far as cooking in your new pot, have you ever made short ribs? They are just the thing for a Dutch oven, really yummy.

How are you watching the new season of Sherlock? It's not available here yet on BBC America.

Kyna said...


I just spent part of afternoon rewatching 'A Scandal in Belgravia' :)

I haven't made short ribs before, ever. I'll have to try it!

Rohrerbot said...

I hope you feel better soon. But definetly relax a couple days. That Cumberlatch man is going to be on Star Trek 2!!!!! I can't wait to see him. Try and enjoy your vacation:) You deserve it after all your time working with nutty people.

Sarah said...

I love your insightful humor!

My friends and I would play a hypothetical game--if one girl was blessed in the rear area but felt lacking in the chest and another had plenty up top but a flat behind, we'd say "trade ya part of my breasts for a piece of your ass".

Sounds strange, but it was always sort of comforting to me. Reminded us that we all had enviable qualities as well as flaws, maybe?

Kyna said...

Roherbot: As fas as colds/flus (because I'm never sure which one I've got) this one isn't too bad. I'm functional :) Well, mostly lol.

Yes, he is! I'm in line for anything he's in :D People keep saying they haven't really heard of him. I bet they'll know him after that :)

Sarah: You're right, we all have both qualities as well as flaws. For instance, if someone told me that I could wake up skinny tomorrow, but would have to lose my sense of humour, I'd refuse.

Who wants to be an unfunny skinny bitch? Not me.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I figured out last week's Sherlock so quickly that I have been unreasonalbly pleased with myself all week.

Kyna said...

Where Sherlock is concerned, nothing is unreasonable.

Chuckles did too. It was great episode though. I'm very apprehensive about The Reichenbach Fall oj Sunday. I can't wait to see it, but I hope it's not the 'end end'. :(

One more season...just one more...please?

Kyna said...

Damn Nook.

Easy to make ham-fisted typos, not easy to correct them. *sigh*