Thursday, December 29, 2011

Last Time I Checked, I Was An Ordinary, Bipedal Hominid

Seriously, why are people such douchefaces? Why??

I know that all of us have the innate potential for asshattery, but for most of us it's not a constant modus operandi.

Retail workers are human. HUMAN.

We make mistakes. But thank God we're not surgeons, so you won't die from them.

We don't know everything. We're flattered that you think we do, but we don't. I lost my crystal ball a few years back and my clairvoyance has never recovered.

We don't have a direct line to the President of the company. We don't play golf with him every week. He doesn't invite us over for Christmas dinners. We are his minions. That is all. And we're good with that.

We don't keep a huge supply of just what you need up our asses, and then lie about it just to piss you off. Trust me. If we could immediately procure what you need from the shelves of our rectal receiving rooms, you'd hear the thumping sound of thousands of pairs of work pants hitting the floor across the world. Just to make you happy so you'll stop yelling at us.

We don't get off on being abused. We don't walk around with ball gags and nipple clamps in our pockets (well....some of us might, but we don't talk about it in mixed company). No thank you Sir, I don't want another.

We have feelings. We have families. We cry, we laugh, we bleed, we sleep. We don't live in the store, so please, when it's closing time we'd like you to leave so that we can clean up and go home to visit with said family members.

We're not robots. We don't plug ourselves into the wall at night to recharge for the next day.

I think customers forget these things in their crazed lust-frenzies to obtain more 'stuff'.

Do me a favour, my friends, the next time you see a poor retail worker being verbally sodomized without lube, step in and let the abuser know that they misread the 'for hire' sign on the door.

'Asshats Need Not Apply'.

Christmas is dead! Long live douchebaggery!


Liz said...

Hey Kyna,

Wait a second... Shop workers aren't robots? Are you for real??!!

Soon you'll be telling me girls don't hang out together in their underwear and have pillow fights.

My world is upside-down at the moment.

In reality, I've never seen someone being shouted at, but I can tell believe it does happen. There are far too many asshats out there.

Kyna said...

Haha, you'd be surprised at how many people think my chest contains a circuit-board instead of a heart.

Last night was BAD.

Jess said...

Well, hopefully its almost all over for another year. I could never work in retail. Ever.

The Idiot Gardener said...

That's the problem with retail workers nowadays; they just don't try hard enough.

I remember a time when bookshop staff would write the book you wanted if it wasn't in stock, before allowing you to wipe your feet on their prostrate bodies. No one would have wanted a Kindle in those days, not when we had good bookshop staff to humiliate.

Nowadays retail staff are all "me, me, me". Don't you lazy bastards realise that we're CUSTOMERS, and without US, you'd be out of work, begging in the gutter for your starving babies?

It's not so funny now, is it? So shut up, suck it up and get me my fucking book on midget sex.

P.S.: Mrs IG had from December 23 until today off! First time ever since I've lnown her. I forgot what hard work she can be at Christmas!!!

Chris said...

HI Kyna

I'm Benedict Cumberbatch and I went into a store the other day (in the winter sale's don't you know) to get a new great coat and scarf for walking around in.

Fuck me if I couldn't get served! Three minutes I waited at the till and nobody noticed me. So I said 'fuck it' and stormed off.

Bloody shop type people.

Sarah said...

Would it help to call all of them "Richard" regardless of what their gender or real name was?

Because you know what the short form of Richard is :)

And Rich isn't it!

(love this post, I about peed my pants at "rectal receiving rooms")

Melissa said...

not to be too sappy, but I think you are exceptional.

But, honestly, I'm glad people are asshats; then I get to hear your funny stories about them. If everything was sunshine and gravy, well, how funny is that?

Kyna said...

Jess: You're right. I don't think I want to work in it either. Maybe I AM a masochist. O_o

IG: Speaking of midget sex...I came home from work last night and the house smelled of cabbage. Sort of like what I imagine Irish midgets smell like. I'm thinking that Chuckles had Irish midget strippers over while I was at work. Maybe you can research it for me once I get that book out of my ass for you.

Speaking of cheating spouses, who'd your wife have to blow to get Christmas off??

Mr. Cumberbatch: I'm appalled that you were treated so rudely. I can assure you that had I been a worker in that shop, I would have found you a fabulous coat and scarf, AND thrown in a beautiful redheaded Canadian woman for free.

No need to put her in a shopping bag, you'd be welcome to wear her right out of the store. On your face. Backwards.

Sarah: The world is full of Dicks. And in the retail universe, it's the Dicks that do all the sucking.

Melissa: You're right, they do provide a comedy goldmine. I just wish they didn't come with a premature ulcer.

Anonymous said...

Strange, because I thought a bookstore would have a fairly intellectual and well-behaved clientele. Maybe all the pompous bastards in the tri-state area were rushing to redeem the gift cards they received for Christmas- which means the burst of tantrum-y requests will soon subside.

But more importantly, where's the picture of the nipple clamps?? You're usually so good at illustrating your posts, and yet no nipple clamps? Are you feeling unwell? Should I call a doctor?


Kath said...

I can't begin to compete with the comments above mine so I shan't try. I've always wondered why the people who start yelling think anyone would want to help them and if they do have reason to escalate what are they going to escalate too? Swords at dawn?

RobinL said...

Wow Kyna, I couldn't have said it better myself. I am so tired of getting stomped on and abused because my customers cannot have another discount on top of the already generous coupon we have already given them. And heaven forbid I might want to go home at closing time to be with my FAMILY on a HOLIDAY. And yes, you are going to have to wait in a long line to make a return. If it bothers you, wait a few weeks! Nuff said.