Wednesday, December 21, 2011

You Can Cumber My Batch Anytime, Benedict

Dear Mr. Cumberbatch,

I really would appreciate it if you'd take a small vacation from my head.

 Just a small break will do. You must allow me some time to do other things.

Yes, yes, I know you want me to get straight into bed with you so that you can ravish me, no need to point.

But I have to get some housecleaning done. I can't concentrate on my work.

I've missed entire meals because you'll just happen to pop up in my YouTube playlist and then I'll sit there for hours listening to you read fairy tales with that delicious voice of yours. 

Your accent goes straight to my vagina.

I spent the afternoon in the hospital because my ovaries exploded.

And I will never be able to hear 'Little Red Hen' again without it eliciting a sexual response. But I forgive you.

I'm starting to lose friends because I can't talk about anything else.

Damn you and your awesome hair and awesome voice and awesome suit and awesome pink socks. 

And the Purple Shirt of Sex. Ohhhhhhhhh the Purple Shirt of Sex!

Non-believers know not the mighty power of the PSoS. Able to incinerate panties around the world in a single leap.

When you reply, please be kind enough to enclose reparation payments for all the underwear of mine that you've burnt to a crisp. I can't afford to buy any more.

And I see from the trailers of next season's 'Sherlock' that you once again wear the PSoS. You might as well send me the money for that now. I may have to stop wearing underwear altogether.

And did I mention the mental anguish I've been given from my husband? I think that he may be jealous of your phwoarness.

He says your eyes are too far apart and asks why I would want to be in love with someone that I'd have to stand on a chair to make out with? He just doesn't understand the dedication of a Cumberbitch

All I'm asking for is time.

Time to meet with friends, spend time with husband, and to sleep and to eat and to remember to breathe and stuff.

But not too much time. I don't think I could handle it for too long.

Ok, I changed my mind.


Forget what I said. I was in shock.

You're allowed to take up as much room in my head as you'd like. Stay as long as you like.

But make sure you're wearing the Purple Shirt of Sex.

Or a bedsheet is fine. It's all fine.

Love and kisses and squees and I'd like to climb you like a tree,


Ok. I just had to get that out.

Here's a fun fact: I discovered today that if you search the term 'Cumberbitch' on Google Images, about halfway down there are pictures of Chuckles, most awesomely the one of him wearing the tiara.

Cumberbitches everywhere are going to see the pictures, fall out of love with Benedict, and start drooling after my husband.

Wonder what his fangirls will be called?


Edit: I decided to start a Tumblr blog to feed my Ben-addiction. Please visit Cumberbitch Sandwich if you suffer from the same glorious affliction.


John Gray said...

That title will get my award for the BEST BLOG TITLE OF 2011

I have just peed myself laughing
thank you Kyna

ps he's gay

John Gray said...

just gagged on my own salivia
"Your accen goes straight to my vagina!!!"


Kyna said...

He's actually NOT gay, you only wish he was. :)

And I kind of do too. But only a little bit. Because you know I love gay guys, but I want to jump his bones so I'm conflicted.

Thank you and you're welcome :)

John Gray said...

pps ok he's bi

Anonymous said...

Hi Kyna,

I'm so sorry to admit this; I've never even heard of the guy of whom you speak so much...


He just isn't big over here. But hey, that means even more chance of you wooing him! ;)

Kyna said...

John: I'm completely fine with bi.

In fact, that would be the best of both worlds!

I could participate AND take pictures of him with other men to file away in my spank bank.

Liz: He's getting big over here.

He's in the new movie 'Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy' as well as the new movie 'War Horse'. As well as the new season of 'Sherlock' coming up here (I'm so jealous of you, it's on in England right now and you don't even appreciate it! I have to wait till May!).

Be sure to mind the puddle of drool. It may be in front of me for awhile.

John Gray said...

kiz He's BIG over in my house too!

Kyna said...

See Liz, I'm not alone! :D

Liz said...

Hi Kyna,

Tbh, today is probably the first time I've had the BBC on in months; their shows are so dire I rarely ever turn the channels on... I miss a lot of shows so probably my opinion doesn't really count for much.

I'll make note never to let you hear Pete talking as he has that same london accent; wouldn't want you drooling over him too! :P

Although I do understand your obsession - I had the same with trueblood and still get giddy thinking about it but have given up watching it beyond season three because it's just become silly. I don't mind humour (I like humour!), but it's done a bit of a heroes, lost, 24; just gone mad.

Kyna said...

Really? Pete sounds like that??

Can you get me some audio of him reading fairy tales???

Wait, better not.

All my underwear have already been destroyed. It'd be like kicking a girl when she's down.

Chris said...

Dear Auntie Glad

My name is Benedict Cumberbatch...

Young at Heart said...

ooh you are a Ben-addict.....did you see him being marvellous in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy??

Al said...

I did see an image of Chuckles on that search, but not the tiara one!

Kyna said...

Chris: Haha!

Well, Benedict, whaddya know, I'm just in the right mood for some rumpy pumpy! Come over here and sit on Auntie's face, I mean, Auntie's lap.

YAH: Hello there, nice to meet you!

Ben-addict at your service. *salutes*

No, I haven't yet. I'm trying to get my husband to go with me this week. Luckily it's a 'man movie' so that he'll be more likely to want to see it. But I don't know if blog posts like this will help my cause...:D

Al: They change all the time. The tiara one was up for most of the day yesterday though. And I think there were a few of me at one point.

That was just really fun to see. My blog's impact on the world! lol :D

Sarah said...

Whoa, I'm impressed, I've never had anything of mine show up on Google images!

Clueless as to who this guy is, but from your lavish praise and the fact that he's tall, dark, handsome & scrawny, I can dig why you drool over him.

Tatiana said...

I'm with John Gray on the title award... LOVE! Also, Merry Christmas to you and yours!

csmith2884 said...

So any truth to the rumors that Chuckles is getting a purple shirt and a short step ladder for Christmas?
BTW You made him go to Sherlock Holmes just last week if I recall. Poor Chuckles.

Kyna said...

Sarah: I think he's going to have a part in just about everything coming out. I'm sure you'll see him in something even if you don't know it lol. (Benedict Cumberbatch that is, not Chuckles ;) )

But I highly recommend BBC's Sherlock to you, it'd appeal to your self-professed geeky nature immensely. When I read that post of yours about computer code that I could barely follow for fear my brains would scramble, I thought you should see the show. It's very fast and very sharp.

Tatiana: Haha, thanks! I'm proud of that title. I'm thinking about getting a t-shirt made. ;)

csmith: Dammit, he reads my blog, don't go and ruin it! :P

He's a drywall finisher, he doesn't need a step ladder, he already has stilts. When he's up on them, he's just the right height for...never mind.

Chuckles is anything but 'poor' lol. I'm the coolest chick on the planet. I let him talk about hot chicks all day long. He just doesn't have a blog to trumpet about them to the world with.

It's just that all of the chicks he likes put together don't compare to the awesomeness of this one man. Not MY fault.

Marguerite said...

I can't say I know too much about Mr. Cumberbatch but the idea that Chuckles tiara photo is showing up in that google search had me spitting out my pre-Christmas wine in laughter. Merry Christmas Kyna and I hope all your Cumberbatch wishes come true in the new year.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I love how your crazy stories all come round full circle with you coming out on top. I am glad you have added writing to your skill set. Merry Christmas.

FourEleven said...

This made me laugh. Far too loudly. Thanks for one of the funniest blogs I've read in a very long time. From one Cumberbabe to another, it's reassuring to see others with an equally amusing obsession with a guy whose 'eyes are too far apart' and someone who 'I'd have to stand on a chair to make out with'. Commiserations to your husband. :P

Kyna said...

Haha! Always nice to meet another Cumberbabe ;) My husband does feel quite put upon by Mr. Cumberbatch, but he just has to live with it. I have a feeling that this obsession is for life lol :)

Anonymous said...

Well, I don't know how but I found Cumberbitch Sandwich a few weeks ago (I don't even have a tumblr) and, seriously YOU ARE AWESOME and I was dying because I couldn't tell you that. YOU ARE AWESOME.
And keep talking about Benedict and penises, and saying "fuck". :D

Oh, I'm Marta, I'm from Brazil. :D

Kyna said...

Haha! Hello, Marta! You have no idea how lovely those compliments are to me :D I never get tired of being told how awesome I am, I wouldn't be human if I did :D Nice to meet you, and thanks for leaving me a comment! :)