Well, fuck it.
Because that's where all my best stories are from in the last couple of weeks.
I can always go back and delete this, right?
Right.
Anyway, let's start with something fun and positive.
A couple of weeks ago, we had a huge event to commemorate Dr. Seuss' birthday at the store.
We had face painting, games, cupcake decorating, storytelling all day long.
Hundreds and hundreds of kids everywhere.
Knowing me, do you think I was happy or pissed off about this?
I bet you guessed wrong, bitches!!
I got to paint my face and wear an awesome hat all day long.
Who wouldn't be jazzed about that??
And it was really fun seeing all the kids so excited. One of our employees dressed in a Cat in the Hat costume and went around all day entertaining the masses.
She was a real sport about it too, because those costumes are fucking sweltering. At one point she was taking a break in the back room and I thought she was literally going to pass out from heat exhaustion. Sometimes I'm really glad that I'm too fat to get into those things.
The day was really fun, but by the end of my shift, customers were starting to get pissy.
The regulars were pissy because they couldn't get to anything and it was really loud and crowded in there. And the people that came just for the even got pissy because their kids were getting pissy.
So I was happy to leave by 3pm, and leave everyone to be pissy.
I stopped to pick up sandwiches from Subway on the way home, and there was no way I was taking off that hat after wearing it all day. My hair was a tangled, sweaty beehive-looking nest under that thing.
A hot dude in line was actually hitting on me while I had cat makeup and that hat on. It was the crowning achievement of my life, really.
The rest of the last couple of weeks...meh, not as fun.
I've been sick as shit in the last week. Felt like there's been a family of angry squirrels living in my lungs. I'm finally doing a little bit better. I'm never sick, so when I am it really hits me.
And speaking of shit...
Someone actually took one in the hallway to the bathrooms/break room at work the other day.
Pooped.
Right.
In.
The.
Hallway.
I'm sure it was a little kid. Well, I'm actually hoping it was a little kid, 'cause yikes.
Usually I'm the one that gets screwed over and has to deal with things like that, but thank the sweet Baby Jesus in the manger that I wasn't there that morning. My friend Sean had to clean it up.
If the kid was young enough to have pooped in the hallway, don't you think a parent would have been nearby? And seen this? And you know, perhaps cleaned it up??
Yeah. People are fucking awesome.
And speaking of awesome people...
There have been a lot of angry-ass bible customers this last week.
Thrice (yep, I said thrice) I've had people angry over the price of bibles.
People always say, 'It's in the bible.'
They're full of shit, because there are zillions upon kajillions of bibles. Different translations, different styles, different uses.
Gift bibles, travel bibles, study bibles, parallel bibles...(I'm starting to sound like Bubba from 'Forrest Gump' here)
Some are really expensive, some are really cheap.
People never want the $10 bible. They want the $85 bible. But they want us to sell it to them for $10.
One woman in particular got all up in my face.
Customer: Excuse me. I need a King James Version bible for my kid.
Me: Well, we only have one in the store. There aren't many KJV bibles made for children in general. It's a hard translation for them to understand.
Customer: She needs it for school. How much is it?
Me; $30
*customer's eyes bug out of her head*
Customer: For a bible?? That's ridiculous. I'm not paying $30.
Me: Well, that's the price. We don't set the prices, the publishers do.
Customer: She needs it for school.
Me: Well, this is the only one we have. And it's $30.
Customer: That's crazy! Considering GOD was the publisher in the first place!
Yep.
She actually said that.
I had no idea that God was in the printing business. Is it in the bible? Maybe you can take up high bible prices with Him, Lady.
Oh, and let him know how awesome you were treating me, He'll love that.
Three different ones like that. Yesterday was the latest one...you know. On Sunday. When this person had ovbiously just come straight from church to the store.
I wonder what it is about the drive over that makes them forget everything they just learned at church?
I don't attend church, I never have. Yet I always treat others well, as I'd like to be treated.
Funny how that is, eh?
Anyway, the weather is starting to get really gorgeous here. That's definitely a plus.
Hopefully it'll start cheering people up. It's definitely cheering ME up.
Oh, and I got a faaaaaaaabulous new pair of Converse,
Talk about cheered up!!
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8 comments:
Me lovely wife has a pair of shoes like that. Only hers are multi color squares in lieu of the purple. Distracts people as she's shitting in the hallways of random bookstores. Kind of a pasttime for her. It's odd but whatever floats your boat, I say.
I am just had a pair of Jevovah's witness' at the door....
asked me to give their unwanted literature to my "little woman"
I took a big breath......and......
You always make me laugh. Let me tell you....I had to deal with the American public on Saturday with butterflies and I am surprised at the various levels of stupidity out there. Don't touch the butterflies. Do. Not. Touch. MF$%#'ers. Normally I work with teenagers so I expect dumb because they don't know any better, but when it comes from adults...well that's a whole other level. As for "God" and "HIS" bible, well I think "He" needs to sit down with "HIS" followers and have a chat. They're some of the biggest A$$holes and hypocrites out there. I'm with you. I'm nice to others and expect the same treatment. That's one of those forcing a smile moments when you want to kill the customer:) But keep that sense of humor as it helps you deal with life and the career. As for Dr. Suess....that's awesome. Hot hot hot I know...we always get the jr. high kids to dress up:) So did you order the Teriaki Chicken? And I must ask, was it the whiskers?:)
Can't blame the dude for hitting on you Kyna. I love to see a woman with whiskers. If you were wearing those foxy Converse too, well that would have just tipped me over the edge.
Can't these people just steal a bible from their hotel room like everyone else?
Would have been worse if the kid had hid and shat in your cat hat...
1: Why did Dr Seuss have his birthday in your shop? He's famous, and I'm sure he wasn't happy hanging around a place with shit in the corridors, what with him being dead and all.
2: Converse should be green. That's all.
3: Always tell church folk to go fuck themselves, and when they complain reply with a cheery, "That's alright, you'll forgive me." I once worked with a bible basher, and he got upset when I told him to go suck the devil's cock, like he did every Sunday in church. When he complained I said it was okay, that he'd forgive me, and he hadn't a clue what I was talking about. Twat! I had to explain to him about turning the other cheek.
4: Oh, you deign to pop by and talk to us mere idiots once in a while, do you?
5: We didn't miss you.
A King James Bible for $30??? I'd consider that a steal, really! I mean, sure, the original authors (notice the plural) are long dead and their relatives probably aren't seeing much in the way of royalty fees, but still.
(Mind you, I come from such a small language area that a regular novel will normally set me back some $40-50. Unless it's an expensive one.)
Hmmm...hot guy with a fetish love in line at Subway...Run!
I actually know someone who works at a printing place and his employer was chosen to print the KJV of the Bible a couple of years ago. They had to have a Church official there every moment when putting the plates in place to make sure that no one messed with them...like putting that Adam ate the apple or something crazy like that.
Besides, wasn't God the author and man the publisher...?
Hi Kyna,
I'm gonna have to get me some of those Converse... You've converted me... I feel like an emo teen wanting some! (here that's what they wear, perhaps not in the states??)
Next time I need the bathroom, I'm going to go for a dump right in the corridor too.
My boyfriend had that at his work - someone decided to go to the bathroom in the men's changing rooms!
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