Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Never Wake A Sleeping Onion

Right now Chuckles and I have what I like to call 'Bachelor's Fridge'.

Bachelor's Fridge is the result of being low on funds and/or laziness. B.F. usually has about three or four items in it. These three or four items are inedible (or at least unappetizing) on their own. But put them all together, and you can usually have some semblance of a meal.

Contrary to popular belief, Bachelor's Fridge can happen to married couples. So be sure to wear a condom!

Wait. Wrong discussion.

Anyway, I was fixin' to make myself an egg salad sandwich yesterday. Two of the four items in my B.F. were eggs and mayo. Both being unexpired. Oh heavenly day! Like winning the lottery.

I like to add all sorts of other goodies to my egg salad. Curry powder is an eggcellent addition, by the way. Try it.

I found I had a taste for some onion. I thought I had one in the pantry in one of those hanging wire fruit basket thingys...yep, there it was! I thought back to how long ago I bought it, seemed like it was only last week.

The thing about being nearly 30 (only a month and a half to go now O_O), is that time gets all messed up. You think something happened yesterday, and it was really 3 days ago. You remember doing something last week, and it was really 3 months ago. You think you went somewhere just last year and....I don't even want to talk about it anymore!

I reached for the onion. The giant forked branch it was now sporting tried to poke me in the eye.




The Onion mocked me. "WHAT IS THIS? YOU DARE TO WAKE ME FROM MY SLUMBER?? NOW YOUR EGG SALAD SANDWICH WILL PAY!! MUHAHAHA!"

The Onion demanded a sacrifice. My sandwich being onionless was not enough. I had to steal a chicken from my neighbour. It was carnage. There were feathers everywhere. Did you know onions can grow teeth?

The Onion was finally appeased, and I ate my sandwich. I was not appeased. So much less satisfying without onion.

I think I'll go to the grocery store today. Onions are on the list.

14 comments:

IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY said...

bahaha my fridge is a BF too! 1 egg,may, a few carrots, a wilted letuce and some marjarine and jam,the jam is a bit iffy,from the son using the same knife he used for the cream in it....I made scones a month back.

Alison said...

Thanks for the laugh! I'm not sure what to call my fridge, definitely not bachelor's fridge. It is overstuffed with stuff, so much that you often can't find anything. Old left-overs, fossilized beyond recognition, underneath newer stuff. What do you call that? Lazy housewife's fridge? Composter/fridge hybrid?

The word verification is famish! LOLOL

Marguerite said...

You could plant that onion and grow a million little tiny onions from it. But then it would be an onion army and how many chickens would they demand?

Kyna said...

IWBY: It is my belief that old jam, like salad dressing, will remain edible forever. The reason I believe this is because I'm not dead. And I would be if it didn't :)

Alison: I would that FratHouse Fridge. :)

Marguerite: I'm gonna have nightmares now O_O

themanicgardener said...

This is the second plant/sex/anthropomorphizing post I've seen today. It must be spring.
--Kate

Kris said...

Kyna - Truly you can chop up the green sprout and put that on your sandwiches - it's just like a fresh green onion. I do it all the time with my old, uh, mature onions (which they themselves are still good for cooking). Sorry your sandwich didn't hit the spot. Sooo close!

Hey, to perk you up, check out my latest post. :-D

Bub said...

I call mine Can't Be Arsed To Clear It Out Fridge. It resembles Alison's: full, but nuthin' to eat that's edible. Oh wait, I've got some jam I made *ahem* a couple of years ago.

Curbstone Valley Farm said...

It's been so busy around here lately we've suffered from BF. Raw sourdough starter a meal doth not maketh! Fortunately, our onions are usually more tame, although we've had the occasional one sporting a rather goth mold motif between its layers ;) Goth onions scare me, almost as much as onions demanding a sacrifice LOL. Sorry about the sandwich, but on the upside, at least you had eggs. We always have eggs...and eggs...and eggs...

Aerie-el said...

I returned home after being away for almost 6 months and found a BF. Not a pretty sight. No. Not. Pretty. On my list...grocery store-STAT!

The Idiot Gardener said...

"Darling, there is only onions."

"Really? Get the fucking vodka!"

That, my dear Carolina friend, is the only answer.

"Darling, I have passed a still-born in the bath-tub."

"Really? Get the fucking vodka!"

"Darling, the new neighbours are not only negroes, but also midgets."

"Really? Get the fucking vodka!"

"Darling, I am leaving you for your brother."

"Really? Get the fucking vodka!"

"Darling, I write a blog about plants."

"Really? Get the fucking vodka!"

Me likes vodka.

Liz said...

Hi Kyna,

Our fridge often seems to have nothing edible in it. I don't understand why, as we also seem to constantly buy food.

I'd plant that onion and see what you get from it - you'll probably get some nice pretty flowers at least! :D

Jess said...

Honest, damn onions are supposed to last forever, you need to tell your onions to get with the program.

ChickenFreak said...

I agree with Kris. That's not an onion going bad, it's a nice fresh scallion with a built-in flowerpot.

Kyna said...

manicgardener: I like to anthropomorphize everything. And I talk about sex a lot. It's the way I roll :)

Kris: I didn't know that. And now that I do, I probably still won't O_O Now that I've anthropomorphized my onion, I'd feel as though I was performing an amputation.

Bub: Occasionally ours will get like that, especially after a holiday. I'm married to a neat freak though, so Chuckles clears out the fridge a lot.

Clare: I guess you would always have eggs :D Hope that you covered your chickens' eyes when I talked about the sacrifice. O_O

Aerie-el: Six months away...I can't even imagine that. I think I'd almost feel homeless. :P

IG: I think I love you.

Liz: After you said that, I read about planting it. I sure wouldn't put it in the ground here, onions run wild if you do that in my area. But potting it up...many people said it just would work very well from an old store bought onion. I don't know if they were just shitty at growing onions, or they were right. Either way, I couldn't be arsed. :)

Jess: I tried, but then The Onion twisted my arm behind my back and I had to cry uncle :(

CF: I thought about it later, and I'm sure I could have done that. But I'm just weird about cutting off a sprout from a majorly old onion and eating it. It just doesn't seem right. lol