Sunday, May 2, 2010

My Anaconda Don't Want None Unless You Got Sun, Hon

Working at Barnes & Noble, I see a lot of weird things, and a lot of weirdos.

This is my store.

There's one guy that comes in and talks about Johnny Depp a lot. Sometimes the guy has a fake British accent, and sometimes he doesn't. He introduces himself to me every time, like we've never met before.

There's another guy that comes in and orders a ton of weird books and movies, buys them and returns them. Repeatedly. He always comes in soaking wet. His money is also soaking wet, and very gross. I think he lives under a bridge.

And strippers? In a Marine town? We got strippers! I have never seen such crazy stripper outfits worn in PUBLIC as regular clothes. Who thinks, "I'm going to the bookstore for a few hours. I think I'll wear spiked, platform heels, and a spandex mini-dress with the butt cut out of it. Yeah! I'm gonna look awesome while I'm pretending to read."

It makes me say the phrase, "That person has too much time on their hands" about 10 times a day.

I was wrong though.

THIS person has too much time on his hands. And I thank him for it. Because I almost spit my coffee out laughing.

If you live under a rock (or just listen to classier music than I do), that's the song today's post title is from.

I find I don't take enough pictures of the plants that are in my sunnier gardens. It's hard to take a decent picture of the South and West gardens in the daytime, because of the glare of the sun. And at dawn and dusk, I'm usually doing something else.

*cue 70's porn music*

No, just kidding. Unfortunately, I'm usually working.

AND, the bane of my summer existence has arrived, which makes it hard to stand still and take pictures at these times of the day. Or, should I say BANES (is 'banes' a word?). Because there are two of them.

Biting gnats and biting horse flies (or 'deer flies' as Chuck calls them). Biting horse flies are irritating, and I spend more time swatting them than I do weeding or watering.

But gnats! Oh how I hate gnats. Also called midges, punkies, no see ums, and black flies. I, my friends, am HIGHLY allergic to these bastards, I mean bites.

The bites swell up like the Goodyear Blimp (do people use that analogy anymore?) and are the most itchy thing I have ever encountered. The worst part is, you can't see them, so you don't know they're treating your legs like a buffet. I will spare you the grossness of showing you a picture of the aftermath.

I did manage to get out a few days ago for a few minutes to take some pictures of my sun-loving plants!

This is my Goldflame Honeysuckle. AKA "The Best Garden Decision I've Made".

I wasn't sure about it the first year. It was kind of sparse, and got a lot of spotty leaves. I cut it back to the ground the next spring, and it came back AWESOME. And this spring? Even MORE awesome. That first cutback was the key, I guess!
The hummingbirds go crazy for this thing, so I'm very glad I put the trellis near our back porch.

This spring, I've decided to grow coneflowers for the first time.

My 'Ernest Markham' clematis is doing very nicely. The blooms are much bigger than last year.

The trellis needs to be fixed, I don't know what I'll do with this thing's a prune group 2. I'd probably have to cut it back to fix the trellis. Would that kill it? Or just set the progress of the plant back a lot? Sorry if that's a stupid question, I don't have much experience with clematis.

And here's a shot of my West garden (West it's The White House). I just put up those hanging baskets a couple of weeks ago. I really like them a lot. The hot weather is coming on so fast, that I think I'll need to be changing the plants that are in it very soon.

Ugh, I need to go outside and water. And I KNOW the bugs are waiting out there with a knife and fork.


Nicolezmomma said...

I found an article you may be interested in when I was researching horse flies:,7518,s1-2-9-115,00.html
Basically they are attracted to blue, so something like this works real well:

When we go to our farm, they attack our blue van, but when we get out they can care less.

If it works for you, let us know.

Heather said...

You crack me up, Kyna! Have a great day...

Britta said...

Dear Kyna, so you have hot weather - here the sun is shining, but about 12° is not very much - no need for watering either... Your gnats sound like the bites of mites autumnalis - they start in spring,sit in beans, strawberries, grass, and are not to be seen (but often you got three stitches after another), and I am allergic to them, too, my leg got elephantiasis (I'll write about it soon, look out for a blog called "Tree murder)
Have a fine Sunday! Britta

Curbstone Valley Farm said...

I'm with you on midges, can't stand the evil beasties! You can add horseflies to my list of loathed bugs too. Your honeysuckle is looking great, and that clematis is gorgeous too!

Amy said...

Allergic to the gnats... and you can't even see them coming. :/ I'm allergic to those awful fire ants.
I have the coral honeysuckle and coneflowers, both. Your vine looks pretty against your house and shows off its pretty colors.

Catherine@AGardenerinProgress said...

I thought your post title sounded familiar. Sir Mix a lot is from here, not a whole lot of rappers from Seattle have made it big.
The Honeysuckle is really pretty, I've never had luck with it. I remember eating the "honey" from Honeysuckle flowers when I was little.
If your Clematis is type 2 it may not do much blooming again this summer if you cut it back, but would bloom again next spring. Those ones bloom mostly on last year's growth.

Jess said...

The no see ums got here about 3-4 weeks ago or so, and the worst of the momma gnats feeding to grow their little gnat babies is past us. So dusk is an option again for now, until about 1 week from now when the mosquitoes come!

that video was hilarious. I'm going to have to forward it!

Muddy Boot Dreams said...

Buzzzzzz I hate them also. My bane of summer is Mosquitos. And man do I swell up like a "good year blimp" LOL when I am bit. Actually my legs looks a little Frankensteinish when summer comes around.

We must taste sweet to them.


Liza said...

You are very funny.

pamsenglishgarden said...

Your garden is looking lovely already. I bought Goldflame Honeysuckle last year, and I hope it does as well as yours. (Our bloom time is much later). Sorry about the bug bites.

GardenJoy4Me said...

Kyna girl ;-)
I don't know what to comment on first because I am still laughing so hard .. oops on the spelling for sure !
I love your descriptions of the weird characters that come in the book store .. lord, I also used to see some strange military people come in to the NATO library where I worked in the Netherlands .. but we all had to be calm and not run away screaming .. ahh ! the good old days ? hehehe
Loved the video and you are RIGHT ! Too much time on people's hands ? LOL
Love the honeysuckle .. I'm afraid when I first started out and had one .. well when there was one heck of an aphid invasion .. well, one of those running away screaming flash backs got to me and said vine was booted .. now a Bittersweet sticks its "tonngue" out at all bugs which is a good thing .. aside from its aggressiveness and the leering it gives me , cue SHUDDER ! .. another whip and chair session coming.
But how pretty you vine is and those hummers are such a treat to watch ! .. I remember the "no-see-um" wording for those ROTTEN buggers ! ugh ! aside from seasonal allergies with the faucet nose .. bugs are my bane too ;-)
Funny post girl !
Joy : )

The Idiot Gardener said...

I don't get bothered by insects at all; it's the high alcohol/blood ratio that does it, I think.

ChickDigtheDirt said...

Beautiful picture of the coneflower... such a great color!! What variety is it? Sorry to "bug" you :)

Becca's Dirt said...

Those little bugs are such a nuisance. Their bites hurt for such a tiny specimen that you can't hardly see it. Hope your coneflowers do well. You must have some unique customers. Yuk. I hate wet money - it just feels nasty. I worked at Sears some years ago and some sweaty women would come in and take their money from their bra - nasty.

Carla said...

Bugs eat me alive some days. I wear long sleeves most days even in the hot summers just to protect my arms from the beasts. No horse flies here, but lots of black flies, the tiny ones.

Beautiful Clematis you have there!

goneferalinidaho said...

So funny, your house really reminds me of mine. They're the same color, have the same eaves, although we don't have the screened in porch. Ours is just a little yellow rectangle on the other side of the country. Your clematis pictures look just like mine, same trellis, no flowers yet 9we're still in frost danger).

The Garden Ms. S said...

OMG, Kyna, I used to love that song...and now, I will always laugh when I hear it! I had to make my hubby stop his computer game and come see that video - funniest thing evar. Thanks for the best laugh of the week!

ps. Oh, and the clematis look great. :)

debsgarden said...

So, the horse is an angel? Those bugs are a nuisance. The other day, there were so many that when I opened my mouth, they wanted to fly in. I kept having to shoo them away from my face! A fun post and lovely photos. The honeysuckle is beautiful, and I know you will enjoy the hummingbirds!

BTW, I also work with the public - in a hospital. Boy do I have some stories to tell, but I can't - because of HIPPA laws I would get fired!

ChickenFreak said...

Loved the winged horse.

Alarmed by the bookstore stories.

Feeling a whole general fog of surrealness from this post. But, yes, that is a good thing.

Jayne said...

ROFL! I never realized bookstores attracted wierdos like that!

Midges drive me crazy too.

Phillip said...

Love Barnes and Noble but our closest store is 60 miles away. Unfortunately we live in the town where the founders of Books-A-Million hail from and they keep all the other retailers out. They really suck!