Let's just get that clear right now.
My name is Kyna, and I am a Baby Avoider.
It's hard work avoiding babies. They'll come at you when you least expect it.
You'll be walking down a dark alley...and they drop on you from behind like ninjas!
And don't be so quick to open your front door when the bell rings. There are zombie babies trying to get inside and eat your Baby Avoiding brains!
You can run, but you can't hide. They'll even bombard your house with baby shower invitations!!
They come at me on Facebook in the form of ultrasound profile photos. They come at me at work in triple-wide strollers. They come at me in restaurants when I'm putting on my lobster-bib, getting ready to enjoy a nice meal. And in that situation, they usually come at me screaming and crying.
Jacksonville, North Carolina is Babytown, USA. No one does unprotected sex like this town!
Our store manager's wife had a baby a couple of months ago. He brought his kid in with him on his day off yesterday. Our assistant manager and a bookseller (both are dudes) were at customer service.
I was, of course, hiding around the corner behind a nearby bookshelf.
I felt like I was in an alternate universe.
I was listening to those three grown men cooing over this baby like it was a hot summer day, and the baby was a 12-pack of icy cold beer.
I couldn't help myself, I stuck my head around the corner and said, "You three are worse than a bunch of women!"
My manager just smiled villainously and held out the baby. "You wanna hold him? He just pooped!"
My manager, I mean. Not the baby. His parents are married.
You know what babies are good for?
No, Fat Bastard, babies are NOT for eating.
But they sure are fun because you can put weird costumes on them purely for your entertainment!
Look at this kid...he doesn't look very happy in his Roo costume, but I guarantee it put a smile on his parents' faces!
I think that the costume makers should have left Roo's face off of the headpiece. It looks like Roo just ate that baby, and is having trouble digesting. O_O
And do you know what's even MORE weird?
The fact that people like dressing their babies up as food.
Do you know how hard it was to find a picture on the internet of a baby dressed as a ninja? I thought there would be tons, but there weren't. There are more squirrels dressed as ninjas on the internet than babies.
But find a baby dressed as a hamburger?
A thanksgiving turkey?
Babies...the other, other white meat.
A lobster in a pot? (Someone put this baby in a pot, people...call the authorities!)
And my personal favourite. I think I almost peed myself I laughed so hard...
Someone dressed their baby up as pasta...WITH meatballs.
See? I don't hate babies. I'm going to a double baby shower on Sunday. Of my own volition!
I even enjoyed buying their baby shower presents. I love buying anyone presents. Seeing people smile makes me happy. I just wish the party didn't involve awkward games. I mentioned that in a past post, which I'm too lazy to find and link to.
Since I've only been to a couple of baby showers (I think 2 before this), I was absolutely HORRIFIED to learn about the Poopy Diaper Game.
Diapers are filled with melted chocolate bars, making it look just like a shitty diaper. The players have to guess what kind of chocolate bar fills the diaper by how it looks and how it smells.
Oh. My. Freaking. God.
I want to throw up just thinking about it. I'm going to have to sit that one out with a glass of wine. Sorry, girls.
I wish I could fast forward my life 15 years, when my friends are not having any more kids, and they're complaining to me about their unruly, surly teenagers giving them grief.
I'll still be sitting there, sipping my glass of wine, planning my trip across Europe whilst they're worrying about paying for college tuition and their kids' car insurance. But I'll look sympathetic of course!
But at very nearly 30 years old (oh how I hate to hear the sound of that number...I've still got 8 months to go), friends having kids is the reality. Being a woman is a super-double-secret-whammy.
Before all of my pregnant/child raising friends click that little 'x' in the upper right hand corner of this post in disgust, let me say that I am truly happy for you. Your kids are very cute, and I've left nice comments on their photos when I didn't feel obligated to. I'm very happy for you about your pregnancies, especially those of you who have had a hard time having children. I promise I'm not a total McDouche.
I just miss all of the antics and carefree-ness of being younger. I miss the days when my friends and I traded stories of all the crazy shit that went on during Gaelic football tournaments. I miss the fun my schoolmates and I had during drama productions. I miss going out dancing with my buddies till 2am. Most of those buddies have babies or are thinking about having babies. Or maybe even making babies.
And I'm bitter about it. All my friends are moving on to grown-up things, and I don't wanna. :)
Makes me think of the song, "I'm An Adult Now" by a Canadian band called The Pursuit of Happiness.
Everyone has to grow up sometime. Someone tell my brain that, because it still feels like it's 20. And it doesn't want any babies.