Friday, September 10, 2010

I Don't Hate Babies

Let's just get that clear right now.


But...


My name is Kyna, and I am a Baby Avoider.

It's hard work avoiding babies. They'll come at you when you least expect it.

You'll be walking down a dark alley...and they drop on you from behind like ninjas!



And don't be so quick to open your front door when the bell rings. There are zombie babies trying to get inside and eat your Baby Avoiding brains!



You can run, but you can't hide. They'll even bombard your house with baby shower invitations!!



They come at me on Facebook in the form of ultrasound profile photos. They come at me at work in triple-wide strollers. They come at me in restaurants when I'm putting on my lobster-bib, getting ready to enjoy a nice meal. And in that situation, they usually come at me screaming and crying.

Jacksonville, North Carolina is Babytown, USA. No one does unprotected sex like this town!





Our store manager's wife had a baby a couple of months ago. He brought his kid in with him on his day off yesterday. Our assistant manager and a bookseller (both are dudes) were at customer service.

I was, of course, hiding around the corner behind a nearby bookshelf.

I felt like I was in an alternate universe.

I was listening to those three grown men cooing over this baby like it was a hot summer day, and the baby was a 12-pack of icy cold beer.

I couldn't help myself, I stuck my head around the corner and said, "You three are worse than a bunch of women!"

My manager just smiled villainously and held out the baby. "You wanna hold him? He just pooped!"

Bastard.

My manager, I mean. Not the baby. His parents are married.

You know what babies are good for?



No, Fat Bastard, babies are NOT for eating.

But they sure are fun because you can put weird costumes on them purely for your entertainment!

Look at this kid...he doesn't look very happy in his Roo costume, but I guarantee it put a smile on his parents' faces!



I think that the costume makers should have left Roo's face off of the headpiece. It looks like Roo just ate that baby, and is having trouble digesting. O_O

And do you know what's even MORE weird?

The fact that people like dressing their babies up as food.

Do you know how hard it was to find a picture on the internet of a baby dressed as a ninja? I thought there would be tons, but there weren't. There are more squirrels dressed as ninjas on the internet than babies.

But find a baby dressed as a hamburger?

Check.



A thanksgiving turkey?

Check.



Babies...the other, other white meat.

A lobster in a pot? (Someone put this baby in a pot, people...call the authorities!)




And my personal favourite. I think I almost peed myself I laughed so hard...

Someone dressed their baby up as pasta...WITH meatballs.



See? I don't hate babies. I'm going to a double baby shower on Sunday. Of my own volition!

I even enjoyed buying their baby shower presents. I love buying anyone presents. Seeing people smile makes me happy. I just wish the party didn't involve awkward games. I mentioned that in a past post, which I'm too lazy to find and link to.

Since I've only been to a couple of baby showers (I think 2 before this), I was absolutely HORRIFIED to learn about the Poopy Diaper Game.

Diapers are filled with melted chocolate bars, making it look just like a shitty diaper. The players have to guess what kind of chocolate bar fills the diaper by how it looks and how it smells.

Oh. My. Freaking. God.

I want to throw up just thinking about it. I'm going to have to sit that one out with a glass of wine. Sorry, girls.

I wish I could fast forward my life 15 years, when my friends are not having any more kids, and they're complaining to me about their unruly, surly teenagers giving them grief.

I'll still be sitting there, sipping my glass of wine, planning my trip across Europe whilst they're worrying about paying for college tuition and their kids' car insurance. But I'll look sympathetic of course!



But at very nearly 30 years old (oh how I hate to hear the sound of that number...I've still got 8 months to go), friends having kids is the reality. Being a woman is a super-double-secret-whammy.

Before all of my pregnant/child raising friends click that little 'x' in the upper right hand corner of this post in disgust, let me say that I am truly happy for you. Your kids are very cute, and I've left nice comments on their photos when I didn't feel obligated to. I'm very happy for you about your pregnancies, especially those of you who have had a hard time having children. I promise I'm not a total McDouche.



I just miss all of the antics and carefree-ness of being younger. I miss the days when my friends and I traded stories of all the crazy shit that went on during Gaelic football tournaments. I miss the fun my schoolmates and I had during drama productions. I miss going out dancing with my buddies till 2am. Most of those buddies have babies or are thinking about having babies. Or maybe even making babies.


And I'm bitter about it. All my friends are moving on to grown-up things, and I don't wanna. :)

Makes me think of the song, "I'm An Adult Now" by a Canadian band called The Pursuit of Happiness.




Everyone has to grow up sometime. Someone tell my brain that, because it still feels like it's 20. And it doesn't want any babies.

16 comments:

Bub said...

The Poopy Diaper Game? Holy crap(!) - who the hell thinks these things up??

Melissa said...

Hysterical!

People think I'm the freak. We have two kids, now 14 and 12, and I NEVER got it. I mean, their great and all that, but when everyone's kids were little and we had time to get away from them, the moms would all sit around and TALK about their children? Just telling really boring-ass stories about their kids. "Johnny is teething. Johnny weighs 18 pounds. Johnny loves his blue blankie." Seriously? Any attempt I would make at changing the conversation would elicit a pause, followed by a set of confused stares, and then on to more Baby Talk. It was like they couldn't hear any other topics? But if I said "I'm considering starting Tanner on SOLID FOOD." WOWSA! I'd be voted most POPULAR!

camissonia said...

Kyna, that's why I'm a pet parent, cause it's a great alternative. My mom's been bugging me for the last 10 years about having a "real" kid, but over time she's resigned herself to being grandma to our pooch (and she spoils her like a grandma would, too!). It's all worked out remarkably well.

Crazy Garden Lady said...

That baby burger is ace!

I get tired of the hints and gentle pressure to procreate I get from nearly every member of mine and his families (except my Mum who is cool and 'gets it'). What part of 'not gonna happen' do they not understand?

Anyway, I've passed on an award to you on my blog, here's the link

http://www.crazygardenlady.com/2010/09/11/seven-things/

Thanks for making me snort wine up my nose on a fairly regular basis!
CGL

Liz said...

Hi Kyna,

Oh.my.God.

You are me, I am you. I have the exact same views and cannot believe I'm coming up to 30 (a few years away though) and am expected to have children.

My older brother has had two children (ok, so his wife did, but you get my meaning) and I can feel the pressure mounting, the expectation that I also *should* be having kids. Ain't never gonna happen, sorry!

I was in the car with 3 guys the other day and seriously they were obsessing over a text message to a woman, I made the comment that they were in fact worse than women. I wouldn't have obsessed like they were! We were travelling around looking at land (they're planners) and the same conversation kept cropping up, should I text, shouldn't I? blah blah blah.

Surreal.

Kyna said...

Bub: Nice pun! lol. I talked to the girl at work last night who organized the baby shower for our two friends, and she said she put her foot down on the diaper game. I almost high-fived her.

Melissa: See, that's what I always thought. It's so hard to get away and have 'me' time when you have kids, why wouldn't you want to talk about grown up things for a couple of hours? My mum was a single mum, and I know she enjoyed the HELL out of any time she had away from raising me. And I was a really goood kid too, but I'm sure it was still exhausting! lol

Cami: I had a cat for 15 years, and I loved having a pet. But because she was my only pet, ever, when she died I cried like my kid had died. I ahd just met Chuck, and the poor man had to sit there and listen to me on the phone, wailing my head off. Well, he didn't have to, but he did. That's why I married him.

It was so hard for me, I thought I could never have another pet. Now, I really want a pet, but Chuck won't have one in the house. He loves playing with other people's pets when we go over to a friend's house, he just doesn't want any in our house. I do understand why. His ex had so many pets in their one tiny residence when they were married, that it was gross. He's doen with both pets and kids lol.

Crazy: My family actually doesn't ever bother me about kids, they never have. I'm pretty lucky with that. One of my brothers has 3 kids, and the other has one kid. That's good enough for my mum I suppose lol. Thanks for the award! And you're welcome. I hope all that wine up the nose doesn't do any damage O_O lol

Kyna said...

Liz: You totally should have said,

"We were travelling around looking at land (they're Vikings and they were scouting out villages to pillage) and the same conversation..."

:D

I know!! Men always think we're the complicated ones. But they're the ones who worry too much! I get to over hear a lot of the conversations between the young Marines who frequent the store. I feel like I'm on a self-help talk show...

Pam's English Garden said...

Kyna,

Please don't ever grow up!

Pam x

Kyna said...

Suddenly I feel like Peter Pan...:D

Marguerite said...

Kyna, love this post!! I've been telling people since I was 19 that I would never have a child and have been told in all sorts of various forms that I was plain stupid, too young to realize what I was saying, would change my mind, needed children to make my life complete yada yada yada. Now at 34 I'm STILL getting hassled by the same people. Posts like this remind me I'm not alone, thank you.

Is the Wiz said...

Dear Kyna, Ignore the baby gushers, they're just over-compensating for the times they want to drop the wee bampots out the window.
As for approaching 30, see if you can find the lovely book "Forever Young", which illustrates the Dylan classic. Think you'd really like it.

Jayne said...

I love it!! You're not alone. I never had or wanted kids either (I"m 54 now so if I change my mind, I missed the boat).

Laura said...

I can respect that! I'm about to be that woman who brings my three little kids on a 16 day cruise. Oh yeah! You know what I have to say about that? Nothing! It's going to be friking awesome! Then again, my kids are well behaved, and I am the personal owner of a death ray, if they try to misbehave while I'm trying to eat my lobster, they will regret it. If it all goes to hell, some genius invented room service!

Not everybody wants to talk about their kids all the time. I'm sure I've had my moments in the past. But with three of them, you can only talk about poop for so long!

I write about my kids on occasion, but honestly I probably annoy more of my friends with the constant plant talk. Kids be damned! yak, yakity, yak.....plants. blah diddy blah, plants, plants, plants! You see where I'm going with this?

IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY said...

I'm a mum of 3 ,that was hiliarious :)
The baby conversations are sooo true and it's usually a not so covert game of oneupbabyship........mine is crawling...oh already?? now way...yes way ...blah blah blah....phhssssssxxxxysss.... white noise.
I have the opposite of the problem with the hinting hurry it up relatives,I'm trying to talk my 21 yr old out of having a baby so soon.Plenty of time.

Kyna said...

IWBY: Nice to meet you! :) Thanks for the compliment, this is one of my favourite posts. I was thinking about it yesterday, because there was this woman that hung out in my bookstore all day yesterday with her two infant twins. They were screaming and crying ALL day. I kept singing, "I want my babybackbabybackbabybackbabyback...ribs!" under my breath.

21 and wants a baby? I hope your child waits. There are so many young mothers in this town that I live in. I think most of them are very sorry they didn't wait. You're right, plenty of time!

IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY said...

nice to meet you too. i forgot to click the follow button yesterday.done now:) looking forward to more reading,you are too funny!!!