Sunday, August 1, 2010

It's Much Easier To Buy Plants Than Pants

Went into Jacksonville yesterday to pay the cable bill and buy some pants. I'm starting a new job at the bookstore today, as sort of an acting Merchandising Manager. The current one will be on maternity leave during Christmas, so they want me to fill in whilst she's gone. I'm starting my training now, and I'll be doing this for about the next 5 or 6 months.

When I'm working a shift, I'll be in charge of the entire bookstore. Which is pretty cool! I'm very excited, and very happy to be receiving the training.

I feel like I'm only 3 degrees of separation away from the Executive Washroom!


Or should I say Butt?

I really need to buy some new work pants. I'll be much more visible, and therefore I'd like to look more professional than usual.

I. Hate. Buying. Pants.

If you're English/British/Whatever The Heck You Like To Be Called, I'm sure you've guessed that I mean trousers and not underwear. Because why would customers care what my underwear looks like? I understand that's what you call 'pants' there.

A couple of days ago I devoted two hours to trying on pants. Two hours of misery and discouragement. Two hours standing under the harsh fluorescent lighting of tiny dressing rooms with funhouse mirrors. Two hours of insensitive clothing store clerks asking, 'None of them worked for you?'

My body is, shall we say...voluptuous? Rubenesque? Zaftig even?

Like Marilyn Monroe in this photo, but with red hair and a much less famous face (I'm working on that).

Very hard for me to find pants that fit and look good.

So what's a girl to do?

Make myself REALLY happy and buy plants instead!!

Why would I spend another two hours wasting my time? Might as well watch paint dry.

Most of my container plantings look really really sad. And I thought I'd take advantage of my last stress free day off until after Hell-mas, and plant some stuff :)

Speaking of other purchases....

I also went into town to buy a baby shower gift for the aforementioned pregnant Merch Manager.

As a rule, I don't do baby showers. Or bridal showers. Or any other sort of party that involves squealing women.

But I decided to stop being a baby pooper and celebrate a friend's pregnancy. Which turned into two. Which turned into three. (I feel like The Count on Sesame Street)

Three of my friends are pregnant at the same time. Due at the same time. How's that for coordination??

Luckily two of them are best friends and are having a joint baby shower.

I'm just so AWKWARD when it comes to these things. I don't feel at all squealy. My biological clock must have a short in it. I feel weird playing all the baby shower games.

When I walked into Babies R Us yesterday, I know I looked like a deer in the headlights. I didn't know where to start! When you walk in and the first thing you see are breast pumps, that's a little intimidating.

(btw, who looks lovingly at a breast pump? That woman's looking at it like it's her baby O_O)

I took a tentative few steps like I was walking into the Coliseum to fight a tiger. At least gladiators were given swords.

I hear, 'Kyna!!' from over to the right.

It was my friend Abby! (who is one of the Pregnant Three) She was also shopping for this particular baby shower, and was on the phone with the third woman of the Pregnant Three. 'Jenn, I gotta go, Kyna just walked in and she looks really freaked out!'

Abby was nice enough to help me through the process. I didn't even know how to use the gift registry thingy. I can't believe I've almost made it to 30 without doing any of this.

Actually I can. I work very hard in avoiding all-female gatherings.

Anyway, wish me luck in my new (albeit temporary) job! :)


Rosey said...

oi vey. You are "cracking" me up. So to speak. I hate buying pants.

ChickenFreak said...

I agree, on both the pants and the all-female gatherings. Especially when there are females at the gatherings that look good in pants.

Can you bail on the pants and just go with skirts? Or will there be ladders to climb and tables to crawl under, making skirts impossibly impossible?

As it happens, in just the last couple of days, I've been eyeing the pants-like options from Flax. Floods, floors, boyfriend trousers, and so on. They look like they might look decent in spite of my hips.

Sadly, everything is mail-order and everybody seems to have a ten percent restocking fee for returns, so I'm not going to be actually trying any on anytime soon.

Jayne said...

Hahahaha!!! You and I must be long lost sisters or something Kyna. I never did get around to having children (I'm 54 now, so it's too late to worry about that now) and I too get really uncomfortable in a room full of women going all gooey and giggly and talking about babies and stuff. Oh -- I don't like trying on pants either. Enjoy your temporary promotion and maybe it will be a sign of big things to come in the future.

Bangchik said...

But kakdah loves shopping, choosing and choosing...... haha.
~bangchik and kakdah

Turling said...

Nice. Best of luck. I'm stealing that pink underwear picture, hopefully for reasons that are obvious.

biobabbler said...

OMG HOW I relate re: showers. Total tomboy and ADD-type so sitting and watching someone open presents for AN HOUR is a NIGHTMARE. Can I just put the gift on the table, go on a hike and come back when there's cake, socialize a wee bit and take off?

I, too, have a tough time finding pants that fit. It seems that if you have fanny and thighs, clothing makers the world over assume you also have STOMACH, and I don't. So, need plenty material here, very little material there, which means pants are TOUGH. Maybe that's why they invented skirts?

Good luck and be brave. Glad you have friends who can read your freakouts. =)

Kyna said...

Rosie: Good one! lol

CF: I usually do wear skirts! But with the new job, there will be a lot of bending and kneeling and squatting and sweating. Sounds like fun, but it's really not :P Hence needing to buy more pants. Because I only have two pairs, and I hate doing laundry.

Jayne: Yep, I have a few chick friends that I can talk to and are cool... but I'd much rather hang out with guys. I can swear as much as I want and they never look shocked. They tend to not talk about their kids when they're not with their kids. I'm just at that age where everyone is either pregnant or has kids. It can be kind of an overload for me when everyone's Facebook avatar is an ultrasound... :/

Bangchik: :D

Turling: Of course it's obvious. You like wearing women's underwear. And you can just take the pic down to the store and ask the clerk for the ones in the picture. You're such a lazy cross-dresser, go do your own research!

Bio: The pants-makers also assume that if you have hip/thigh/butt/stomach issues, that your calves must be enormous, or your legs are automatically longer. The bigger the top part of the pants get, the wider the calves...I have skinny calves, so they're swimming in giant folds of material. Can't win, any of us?

The Garden Ms. S said...

Ah yes, the pants dilemma. Women of my butt size must all be 6 ft tall. Sometimes, when I pass a store window that allows me to see all of me, I wonder who that short person with the big head is who is following me too close. Then I realize - it's my ass. :)

Best of luck in the new job!

Melissa said...

Now, me - I love all those girl gathery things. Personally, not the squeely type, I've found I enjoy the impact on others. (No, not THAT kind of impact...I know what you're thinking!) But I find the registries very difficult to navigate. Typically, Baby Shower = Gift Card for my gift-giving purposes. And much luck on the new job!

Curbstone Valley Farm said...

I can't stand those girlie gatherings either, and I'm hopeless in places like Toys/Babies 'R US. I'd rather shop for pants. For some reason they only seem to make pants for stick figures these days. What ever happened to hips? I still have them, doesn't everyone else? :P Personally, I think fluorescent lights in clothing stores should be banned too. Who looks good under those? Well, pants or no pants (I do actually recommend pants) I hope your new job goes great!

Aaerelon said...

Don't worry you're becoming increasingly famous every day! I just discovered this blog now didn't I? I LOVE the breast milk pump. It intimidates me, but it looks like it gets her off. Anyways, love the post and I'll definitely be subscribing! Congrats for you! Extra fame! YEAH!

Aaerelon said...

Before I followed your blog, you had the same number of followers as me. Now I'm creeped out. There is some annoying child making noise above me and I think I'm a few seconds from freaking out. Sorry about the double comment. For some reason I felt it necessary.

Bub said...

I'm not one for the squealy, shrieky girly stuff. Whenever I've had to go, I sit there wondering how soon it would be polite to leave. ASAP is the usual method.

I guess it depends on which type of job you're doing for customers to care what kind of pants you're wearing. :P

Good luck in your quest for trousers - I generally find the more expensive ones are the ones that fit best (unfortunately).

Heaps of luck on your new job - show 'em how it should be done!

The Idiot Gardener said...

Good luck with the pants, and the job. And the baby shower thing.

Why do people always think that other folk are interested in their offspring? The few friends that still talk to me know that there is no point in discussing their children.

I saw a friend recently whose other half had just popped, and he said to me, "We've just had a baby, and I was wondering whether a monkey would beat a tiger in a fight."

I smiled at his words, and replied, "What kind of monkey?"

Meredith said...

See, I have the opposite problem. I avoid baby stores precisely because I go all googly and girly and get so overwhelmed with hormones and *cute* that I can't find my car in the parking lot afterward. With plants, now, I can always find my car -- altho there have been instances where I could not fit all my new purchases in my trunk. :)

And speaking of trunks, yeah, I totally hear you on the pants thing. The issue I have is waist-to-hip ratio, so that I often end up with baggy, sad waistlines and hips squeezed a little too tight. Oh, so attractive. I've actually had better success recently at stores that cater to African-American women. Seems some designers are okay with the idea of curves. :D

Wishing you the very best of luck on your new assignment. I just know you'll be brilliant, Kyna!

Kimberly said...

Kyna, you'll do very well with your new position...I have no doubts!! I'd love to work in a book store! HEAVEN! But I'd spend my paycheck.
I agree...plants over pants any day! And I hate baby/bridal showers too, especially the games. I mean, really?! Although, I have to admit that I've always received really GREAT gifts at these parties, so I'm happy someone hosted such events for me. I'm always amazed at how very generous people can be!! Quite humbling.
Love your nuns with guns photo!

Kimberly said...

BTW...Kyna, you really must hop over to read IG's latest post. I can't wait to read your response!!!

Shyrlene said...

OMG Kyna - this has to be one of my most favorite posts of yours (you have some mad skills girl!!)

Trying on clothes, ESPECIALLY pants is just hell on earth - and dress pants?

... you crack me up on the 'shower /baby' thing - I can so relate! My friends always said I'd stare at the ceiling when they talked about their kids (I didn't start a family until after 30). I never did get into all 'shower' talk, tho (like Kim) I did appreciate the gifts!! And.. to give you a clue about me and 'motherhood' - they dubbed my 1st "Wild Thing" before he was born! ;D

BTW - Kick @$$ on that new job!!

thyme2garden said...

Kyna, I like your name. But what I like even more is reading posts like this that make me laugh. Pants vs. Plants, I vote for plants, too!

Ginny said...

I agree on the pants,the plants, and the squealing women! And good luck on your new job!

Jess said...

Good luck! I hate buying pants too. They never ever fit. I'm convinced that they keep making stuff bigger and bigger and eventually I'll be only able to wear childrens clothing.

Kyna said...

Ms.S: Bahaha! Well, at least you're never alone, are you? ;)

Melissa: I was thinking about getting a gift card, but I really like to personalize my gifts. Both Pregnant Chick #1 and I have Lord of the Rings tattoos on our lower backs in Elvish writing. I decided to customize a baby t-shirt on that says "Lord of The Teething Rings" on it. She loved it, and that made me feel pretty good lol. See? I'm not a complete beast :P

CVF: I think 98% of us chicks have hips of some sort, so I just don't understand it. Hips to BIRTH BABIES WITH. :P lol

Aaerelon: Hi, nice to meet you!

Some annoying child above you, eh? Like upstairs or like dangling from a balcony? O_O

Context matters in that situation...

Bub: I wouldn't mind so much if it was just hanging out and giving a gift. I just can't pretend to be excited about babies. I don't HATE babies, per say. Ok, maybe I hate some babies. The ones that scream INCESSANTLY for 2 hours at the bookstore.

Ok, maybe I don't even hate the babies that scream incessantly for 2 hours at the bookstore...I hate their mothers that LET them scream. Yep.

IG: If people know I don't want to be around kids, at least they never ask me to babysit. I think they're afraid I'll accidentally microwave them or something.

But funny enough, kids love ME. I don't know why. I think it's the red hair. Stimulating to developing vision I suppose.

Meredith: Drunk on babies!! Ha! I don't think I have as much problem with baggy waists on things as I do with baggy legs. Just because I'm a little wide in the hips, doesn't mean my CALVES are as wide as my hips O_O Like my legs are one giant cankle.

Kimberly: I love working at the bookstore for a lot of reasons, but it's also more hectic and stressful than you think it's going to be. I could write a whole blog on the bad parts lol. In fact I probably will at some point.

See IG's comments on his latest blog for one of the cons of working in a bookstore :P

Shyrlene: Oh stop it!

Ok, go on :D

I'm out of the baby game unless we get divorced or Chuck kicks the bucket. He's done with having kids. And really, I'm ok with that. I'm far too selfish and preoccupied for children. Working at the bookstore is EXCELLENT birth control :)

Thyme: Nice to meet you, I'm glad you enjoy my blog! :D

Ginny: Thanks for the luck, I'll need it! :D

Jess: You sound like you've got the opposite problem of mine! lol. So nice to see you on here again, I'm glad you commented so that I could see that you're back :D