Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Pardon Me Sir, Is This YOUR Inferiority Complex?

I was cruising home from work yesterday, along the small rural highway that leads to my quaint little house in the country. Sunshine was glittering on the scenic waterway as I passed over the bridge, and I was watching all the people out sailing in their beautiful yachts...

Wait. Are you getting an image of me in a gleaming white convertible, with oversized Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses on, a scarf on my head, the ends of which are glamourously blowing in the breeze behind me?



Wrong.

In reality, I'm wearily speeding home in my wheezy Toyota, work-flattened hair plastered to my sweaty forehead. The windows are tightly closed and the air-conditioner is labouring noisily in the sweltering humidity. Oh, and every time I hit a bump it sounds like my muffler is going to fall off. The people on the yachts shake their heads in disdain as I drive by, sipping martinis to wash off some of the smog I left on their rose-coloured glasses.

I'm about 3 minutes from my house, and what do I see rounding the corner?

Basically, the equivalent of this.



I don't understand this phenomenon.

Utterly baffled.

To all lifted-truck owners:

The very first thought that leaps into my frontal lobe when I see your truck is that you must have a tiny Johnson.

That's right, Condoleeza.




Miniscule. Microscopic. Molecular.


Like, "Wait right there for a second, while I go get my magnifying glass...and make sure you keep your jeans and car keys handy."



Guys must be doing this truck-lifting thing for the benefit of other guys. That's the only explanation. Maybe the equivalent of women getting their nails done? Other chicks might notice your new French manicure, but guys won't give a hairy rat's patootie.

I don't know ANY woman whose panties spontaneously combust at the sight of a lifted truck. They don't get hot at the idea of being able stand on top of your tires and not have their head touch the top of the wheel-well. They don't swoon at the fact they have to climb a ladder just to go out for a beer run.

And don't even get me started on the redneck accoutrements that can be added! Rubber...*ahem* cojones hanging off of trailer-hitches that can be purchased in many fine Jacksonville retail centers. Double Confederate flags strapped to the tailgate. Bumper stickers screaming,



For God's sake boys, it's just flash just for the sake of being flashy!



You want flash??

I got yer flash right here!!


*BAM!*



*BAM BAM!!*



*BIFF!*


*POW!!*



Men? Put a trowel or a weed-whacker in your hand. Mow my lawn shirtless. Show off those muscles and plant a big tree for me.

That's what gets ME hot and bothered. Not a ridiculous vehicle.



Guys, if you're going to 'lift' your vehicle, you'd be better off driving this.



I'd get a laugh out of it, and wouldn't be so quick to judge the size of your...Chevette. Besides, you know what they say about guys that drive small cars!

That's right.

Small egos!

24 comments:

Dirt Digger said...

Johnson is a popular term for the male genitalia - made all the more popular by the infamous "Big Johnson" t-shirts. There is some speculation, but little hard evidence as to the etymology of the word.

Here are some of the possible origins:

* There is a town in Indiana called "Dick Johnson". It's not hard to get the association here.

* It is perhaps related to British slang John Thomas, which had the same meaning around 1863.

* R. G. Johnson made baseball bats in his Sebago Bat Company. He always burned 'R. G. Johnson' into his bats. The bats were referred to as "Johnson's" and since the penis somewhat resembles a baseball bat it might have been used as a euphemism.

* It originated with actor Don Johnson who has a big one. He was with so many women, among them he was married to Melanie Griffith, that word spread. Throughout Hollywood so many women had been with Don, it just became known as a \"Johnson\". I heard this way back in the 1980s when the term was first used nationwide, not just in Hollywood.

Rosey said...

I need a shirt like that.

My parents lived in Edmonton for a bit. Nice and cold. :)

Turling said...

The Batman references are classic. I could see Adam West in all his glory.

Reminds me of a college buddy from Colorado (not sure why the state's important) who raised pick up truck to astronomical heights in his garage, only to realize it wouldn't fit out the garage door. Imagine what that does to your pecker.

Zoe said...

Hear, hear! A man burning up sweat in the garden is definitely sexier than one burning up gasoline at an alarming rate, and all for naught... Your observations are right on, as usual!

AaronVFT said...

Haha nice post. I love those lilies so so so so so so much!!!

Meredith said...

Oh, man you crack me up, you dirty garden -- er, let's just stick with gardener. :)

I have a pic up of my husband on my about page, that I took when he was digging my garden by hand the first year we were here. It amazed me when he just picked up the shovel and went to it, and I had to get the shot. He was annoyed (and unfortunately it showed on his face) that I'd photograph him all sweaty -- but there was no doubt in my mind he was the sexiest man on the planet right that moment, working to give me a place to plant my veggies and flowers. :D

And I really don't get the whole lifted truck thing, either. Living in Atlanta, I'd imagined it as basically over, a passe phenomenon -- but when we moved out to the boonies, I saw quickly that even such things as mullets and hair scrunchies were alive and well. Location, location, location!

Laura said...

Ha! We call them BDTF (Big Dumb Truck Fuc...er...Fugsicles) Which seems to suit not only the strange vehicle's but also the made for testosterone driving patterns.

I really did enjoy your retro batman style *pow*'s and so forth :)

Jayne said...

Forgot to mention - I love your lilies. I have some blooming too right now :-)

Jayne said...

Everyone at work is wondering why I'm cracking up at my desk! LOL! Great post - I've never seen the attraction of those jacked up monster trucks either.

Amy said...

You are too funny! I like the pow! biff! lilies. How do you come up with these posts? :)

Phillip said...

Too funny! I don't understand this either. I think it looks really stupid.

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha! I love you Kyna!Great post Luv!
I've honestly traded in my Chevy for a Cadillackackackack....I oughta know by now! :*
Chuck

Curbstone Valley Farm said...

OMG, that was hilarious! I'm with you, shirtless, clearing brush, chopping down dead trees, or heck, serving margaritas pool-side, all good. Jacked up truck = jacked up compensated ego. Although, I must have a smidge of red-neck in me, if that's possible for a Brit, for the tail-gaters out here, I sooooo NEEEEED the 'keep honking I'm reloading' bumper sticker. Fits my personality, and I much prefer it to the old 'PMS and a handgun, any questions?' bumper sticker from the last millennium LOL :P

Rainforest Gardener said...

You are the funniest writer I know! Yes, those horrible rubber dangling thingies are all over the place here in Jacksonville, as well as big a$$ lifted trucks. I guess attaching those to your truck is the very definition of overcompensation. And its always those guys that weave in and out of traffic like everyone's lives are insignificant. Its almost as bad as those obnoxious tricked out ittybitty cars with the farty exhaust. Wow, that car must be fast, because I can hear its flatulent acceleration over my music!

Shyrlene said...

You are GOOD! Man you can coin a phrase - AND take killer pictures of those awesome flowers all at the same time. Kyna, I always look for your posts because nobody can spin gardening quite like you.... :D -Shyrlene

The Idiot Gardener said...

Here in Hingerland, we don't have lifted trucks or mullets. We have very few bumper stickers, and someone even commented of my banjo: "What's with the funny guitar?".

However, we do sadly have a place called Norfolk, where the nightly entertainment is trying to rake the moon out of the pond!

Kyna said...

Digger: You're very knowledgeable about penises (penii?). Maybe you should have called yourself 'Dirt Diggler' after all. Did you know there's a town in Canada called 'Dildo'? My cousin took a cross-country road trip last year and had to take a picture of the sign. Which is what I would have done. Weirdness runs in my family.

Rosey: Haha, yeah. I was looking for 'Gardeners Do It Better', but I found that one instead. And I like it! Edmonton can get pretty cold in the winter lol. But right now? Gorgeous. Wish I was there...at least I'd be able to step outside in white clothes without immediately acquiring sweat-stains...

Turling: Bahaha! Couldn't get it out of the garage, eh? That's actually a great eumphemism for guys like that. I'm sure he was very nice though, no matter what his penis looks like :)

Zoe: Haha, thanks! I just see so much of that around here. It's come to the point where I see a lifted truck, and I turn to my husband, and he goes, 'Small penis?' before I can even say anything lol.

Aaron: Thanks! I'm happy with those lilies too. They're about the only thing good I have going on in my garen right now. I don't know what I'll post about after they're done blooming lol.

Meredith: Men have no idea how much them working for us turns us on lol! I like to consider myself a modern woman, but I have to admit it! Guess there are some primitive things that never go away.


Laura: I swear I didn't see as much of this crap when I was living in Canada. But you live so close to the States! BDTF, eh? :D

Jayne: Sorry :D You probably see your share of this stuff too. Everything is bigger in Texas! :D

Amy: My mind is a curious thing. I see something, and my brain immediately starts wondering how it got that way. Things, people, concepts...it's gotta be genetic thing. I have two brothers, and one of them has a sense of humour like me, and the other doesn't. Nature vs nurture, I go with nature every time. Actually, you've given me an idea for my next post!! See? It just happens that way :) Don't worry, I'll credit you ;)

Philip: It does! It's kind of the eqivalent of a really drunk guy approaching you in a bar, and in his head he thinks he's going to look really smooth and pick you up with his wit and intellegence. And he ends up slurring out a, 'Heyshexhy, wannagetouddathishplashe?' And not in a Sean Connery sort of way either. Just not cool.

Chuck: Glad you liked it! :) I think your old, beat up work truck is pretty sexy. Except for the way it smells. But that was the fault of the sweaty DOT guys that parked their sweaty butts in it before you bought it. So I love you anwyay.

CVF: You have shirtless guys serving you Margaritas poolside?? How much is a plane ticket to California? I'm there! ;) It's ok to like the bumper sticker. My favourite one is "If You're Going to Ride My Ass, At Least Pull My Hair". That one is so me :D

RG: Thanks for the compliment! I forgot to mention the 'farty cars', which is making me laugh even as I type it out. :D I call the mosquito-cars, because that's what they sound like. Big, irritating, effing mosquitoes.

Shyrlene: Aw, I'm glad to hear someone's actually seeking out my posts, instead of reading them because they're putting off doing laundry or something lol. Thanks for the compliment to my flowers, I had to take pictures of the few that are still alive. A couple of my potted plants are kaput. Oh well. I'll buy more in September, and I'll have flowers till Christmas.

IG: I can't believe you can even buy a banjo in England. Did you have to smuggle one in? Is that what the moonrakers in Norfolk were after? :P

Tatiana said...

Dude. Here in Calgary some trucks have BRASS cojones. Big metal...yeah. I get the sads every time I look at them as I picture what they're compensating for. :) And as we're gearing up for Stampede (parade tomorrow), you can just imagine the faux cowboy paraphenalia that comes out.

Kyna said...

Tatiana, I guess we should look at it this way: lifted trucks and brass balls....it's nature's way of telling us to STAY AWAY lol! I always thought the Stampede was in June? You know, I've never been even though I lived 2 hours away from it for all those years. When I mention to people here that I'm from Alberta, they always say, 'Calgary?' because the only thing they've heard about the province is the Stampede lol.

Kris said...

I really really really have to visit your blog more often.....or get out more....or adjust my meds.

threedogsinagarden said...

I laughed out loud all the way through your post. I love the way you use pictures to drive home the comedy.

Heather said...

Yeah, yeah, yeah! We call it "little man syndrome" you know - big truck, little man. Your posts, as always, are great and I look forward to what you have to say, girl!

Tracy said...

OMG, is there ever a moment when you are not funny? I almost choked on my ice cream reading this post. Then I read your response to everyone's comments and was crying I was laughing so hard (hopefully I worked off some of that ice cream). Hubby just shuffled in after keeping the couch company for the past 2 hrs. Guess he was afraid I was having a good time without him. I love, love, love your blog!!

Kyna said...

Kris: I vote 'read my blog more often'. But meds would probably help.

Threedogs: That's what I like about the internet. In real life, I have to get up and act out all the parts of my rant :)

Heather: And in the same vein, tall guys always seem to drive the tiniest cars. Weird world we live in. lol

Tracy: You've just made my day, haven't you? :D

Every Monday morning, the managers at my store meet to talk about the week's sales, etc. I'm the life of the party at those meetings, as you can guess (that sound you hear is me tooting my own horn).

BUT, I have to hold back a lot, or I can get irritating. You can see on my face I want to make a quip about everything everyone says, and then I have to make myself shut up and pick my moments...

When my husband and I had been dating a little while, he would say, 'Do you have to make EVERYTHING into innuenedo??' Only I could make a new boyfriend TIRED of innuendo...